Comfort is a weird thing. It is so personal yet needed by everyone. Comfort can be found wrapped in the arms of a favorite old sweater, in the wet, dirty kiss from your three year old, from a late night snuggle from your partner. I find comfort daily in my husband, my kids and little things. The comfort I struggle to find right now is deep in my core. I live constantly overstimulated by kids/life/thoughts and ill at ease with myself. The closer I get to 40, the more I realize that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was twenty I couldn't set my sights on anything because there were so many things that caught my attention. So many things I wanted to accomplish. So many that I ended up doing very few of them. I can't say I regret things I did or didn't do because I know had anything changed in my life - the things that mean the most to me right now would not be the same. I wouldn't have the same husband or the same kids if my life had taken a different direction. The issue is that now I don't have a direction.
Three years ago I finally got someone to believe that I had issues focusing. I was given Adderal and it was so much more helpful than I ever thought possible. When we had a period of no health insurance, I had to stop taking it due to financial reasons. Now I am thinking I need to find someone in this state who will believe me again. Today I found myself, armed with a to-do list, walking around in a circle because i couldn't focus on any of the tasks. I often wonder how things would have been had I started the medicine while in college.
Regardless of my inability to focus, I am still trying to find my calling. The only things beside motherhood that have ever really grabbed the attention of my mind and my heart were Americorps and working for a women's reproductive health non-profit. I know that whatever I do needs to be something where I feel like I am making a difference to someone. I need to help others as a career and by doing that - I will also help myself find the comfort I need.
