I have an anxious 5 year old. She is super intelligent - understanding a little too much sometimes. It also makes it's too easy to treat her like she is older. Over the past two months she has become needy, weepy, worried about everything, suffering separation anxiety, - she is mix of a 2 year old and a grown up who is stressed out. First she was worried about twisters because she saw one on the news, then it was the dark, then it was me leaving her. The one thing she will not talk about is starting Kindergarten. She starts in 3 weeks and I really believe once it is no longer this big unknown scary thing - things will improve.
Because of all this - bedtime has become HELL on earth. We tried super nanny tricks, threats, punishments, cuddling, coddling, bribing, you name it. When I looked up anxiety and 5 year olds - it was stressful to me. They list the top stressors for this age group as:
Having a major illness (she had kidney surgery last summer)
Watching a sick parent (she saw way too much of mommy having a miscarriage due to being stuck together in a hotel room and then my issues continuing for another 2 months)
Starting School (3 weeks)
New baby in the family (due in December)
Separation from parents (i did go back to work 2-3 days a week and while she likes where she goes - she does ask me to not go somedays)
This was sad for me because all I could think was "what else can I do to stress out my child???"
She has always been very intuitive about others' emotional status. Very in tune with others and very sensitive. One cross word tends to shatter her while one big compliment brings smiles galore. I have realized that as frustrating as it is to me when she doesn't go to bed - whatever is going on in her head is major for her. While I am not going to let her rule this house and stay up all night - I am trying to be more loving and supportive - knowing that it will pass. I will try not to get cranky when she follows me around the house all day and I can't go into another room by myself at all. Right now she needs me and for now i have to put her needs before mine - there will be alone time for me in the future. My goal now is to let her know that she is loved, supported and I am her safe place to fall if she needs it!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
So Happy I am not an "A"
I have been talking to a lot of people this week and have been very surprised with the number of type A personalities I have run into. I am a mixture - I can be anal and stress with the best of them but I also am a great procrastinator and prone to putting off tasks in order to enjoy life instead of enjoying life only when I have completely my tasks!
There was a house I used to go to that always made me feel quite sad. There was a child there but the house was so spotless that you never would have know that a child lived here except that there was a sippy cup in the dish drain. I asked how she did it and was told that she got up every day around 5 to clean, only kept his stuff upstairs and wouldn't go to bed at night until everything was in place and clean. I was in shock. I would love for my house to be as clean as hers but I am not willing to dedicate my life to it.
It made be start wondering - I know some people truly are happier when everything is in it's place but do they ever have a tinge of regret for spending time cleaning rather than doing something else? When G. was born - I simply couldn't clean for the first 2 months unless hubby was home. I couldn't stop holding her and wanted to love her every second. When S was born, I had to do a little more laundry, stay on top of dishes but when I wasn't spending time G, I was holding S rather than cleaning.
I know people with this type of personality would look down on me. My house is tiny and cluttered. The carpets are stained - i used to keep up with them until it became a lost cause. My dining room table is a catch all and boy has it caught a lot! I did clean it off about 4 weeks ago = that lasted for 2 weeks tops. Today I only had one child. I had a list of things I wanted to do - clean up the office, straighten the pantry and the linen closet, do some good cleaning. Little S was quite bored without her big sister to play with so instead I threw the laundry in the dryer, unloaded the dishwasher and went to the pool. Then I came home and took a nap.
Is anything on my list accomplished? No
Do I feel bad about this? Not at all, I can do some tomorrow but today I spent quality one on one time with my baby who come December will be a middle child and will really need personal mommy time and I got to rest my fatigued body. I think I accomplished exactly what was needed! I will one day pass on probably in a cluttered house with stained carpets and some friends will pass on with perfect house and perfectly organized lives. May we both leave a legacy of love....
There was a house I used to go to that always made me feel quite sad. There was a child there but the house was so spotless that you never would have know that a child lived here except that there was a sippy cup in the dish drain. I asked how she did it and was told that she got up every day around 5 to clean, only kept his stuff upstairs and wouldn't go to bed at night until everything was in place and clean. I was in shock. I would love for my house to be as clean as hers but I am not willing to dedicate my life to it.
It made be start wondering - I know some people truly are happier when everything is in it's place but do they ever have a tinge of regret for spending time cleaning rather than doing something else? When G. was born - I simply couldn't clean for the first 2 months unless hubby was home. I couldn't stop holding her and wanted to love her every second. When S was born, I had to do a little more laundry, stay on top of dishes but when I wasn't spending time G, I was holding S rather than cleaning.
I know people with this type of personality would look down on me. My house is tiny and cluttered. The carpets are stained - i used to keep up with them until it became a lost cause. My dining room table is a catch all and boy has it caught a lot! I did clean it off about 4 weeks ago = that lasted for 2 weeks tops. Today I only had one child. I had a list of things I wanted to do - clean up the office, straighten the pantry and the linen closet, do some good cleaning. Little S was quite bored without her big sister to play with so instead I threw the laundry in the dryer, unloaded the dishwasher and went to the pool. Then I came home and took a nap.
Is anything on my list accomplished? No
Do I feel bad about this? Not at all, I can do some tomorrow but today I spent quality one on one time with my baby who come December will be a middle child and will really need personal mommy time and I got to rest my fatigued body. I think I accomplished exactly what was needed! I will one day pass on probably in a cluttered house with stained carpets and some friends will pass on with perfect house and perfectly organized lives. May we both leave a legacy of love....
Friday, May 21, 2010
Welcome to the Jungle!
After a long day with my girls - full of fighting, yelling, crying, whining, and other patience destroying mayhem - it all dawned on me.
Earlier in the evening, after my 5 year old yelled at my mother and I and then cried about everything - I told her I was mad. This threw her into a frenzy of anxious faces, sobbing, and full body worry. She did not want me to be mad. At only 5 - her need to please me was so strong that it engulfed her. I explained that I was mad at her behavior, not her as a person. The joy this elicited from her was like Christmas morning. I struggled to get her to sleep - she wanted to talk and be WITH me, not just near me. My mother (whose house we were staying at for a night) finally cuddled her while I took a break to find my sanity. Once I finally went to bed, in a double bed shared by myself and my 5 year old, I spooned her. Her legs draped over mine, my arm over her - you couldn't separate who what who. I whispered "I love you" and was rewarded with a sleep giggle - one of my favorite sounds.
I realized at that moment that the behavior could be fixed but I was going about it the wrong way. This bright, observant little girl was completely dependent on me for her stability, confidence and happiness. In order to change her behavior - I needed to first change mine.
I snuck out of the room to put this on paper while it was fresh on my mind. I wasn't gone 5 minutes before she came sleepily swaggering to find me. I sent her back to bed with a promise that I would join her in just a minute and she left me with a hug and a smile. Her exchange was wordless but poignant. She knew where I needed to be and she showed the answer to me. Off to cuddle I go...
Earlier in the evening, after my 5 year old yelled at my mother and I and then cried about everything - I told her I was mad. This threw her into a frenzy of anxious faces, sobbing, and full body worry. She did not want me to be mad. At only 5 - her need to please me was so strong that it engulfed her. I explained that I was mad at her behavior, not her as a person. The joy this elicited from her was like Christmas morning. I struggled to get her to sleep - she wanted to talk and be WITH me, not just near me. My mother (whose house we were staying at for a night) finally cuddled her while I took a break to find my sanity. Once I finally went to bed, in a double bed shared by myself and my 5 year old, I spooned her. Her legs draped over mine, my arm over her - you couldn't separate who what who. I whispered "I love you" and was rewarded with a sleep giggle - one of my favorite sounds.
I realized at that moment that the behavior could be fixed but I was going about it the wrong way. This bright, observant little girl was completely dependent on me for her stability, confidence and happiness. In order to change her behavior - I needed to first change mine.
I snuck out of the room to put this on paper while it was fresh on my mind. I wasn't gone 5 minutes before she came sleepily swaggering to find me. I sent her back to bed with a promise that I would join her in just a minute and she left me with a hug and a smile. Her exchange was wordless but poignant. She knew where I needed to be and she showed the answer to me. Off to cuddle I go...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)