Finding Comfort

Comfort is a weird thing. It is so personal yet needed by everyone. Comfort can be found wrapped in the arms of a favorite old sweater, in the wet, dirty kiss from your three year old, from a late night snuggle from your partner. I find comfort daily in my husband, my kids and little things. The comfort I struggle to find right now is deep in my core. I live constantly overstimulated by kids/life/thoughts and ill at ease with myself. The closer I get to 40, the more I realize that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was twenty I couldn't set my sights on anything because there were so many things that caught my attention. So many things I wanted to accomplish. So many that I ended up doing very few of them. I can't say I regret things I did or didn't do because I know had anything changed in my life - the things that mean the most to me right now would not be the same. I wouldn't have the same husband or the same kids if my life had taken a different direction. The issue is that now I don't have a direction.

Three years ago I finally got someone to believe that I had issues focusing. I was given Adderal and it was so much more helpful than I ever thought possible. When we had a period of no health insurance, I had to stop taking it due to financial reasons. Now I am thinking I need to find someone in this state who will believe me again. Today I found myself, armed with a to-do list, walking around in a circle because i couldn't focus on any of the tasks. I often wonder how things would have been had I started the medicine while in college.
Regardless of my inability to focus, I am still trying to find my calling. The only things beside motherhood that have ever really grabbed the attention of my mind and my heart were Americorps and working for a women's reproductive health non-profit. I know that whatever I do needs to be something where I feel like I am making a difference to someone. I need to help others as a career and by doing that - I will also help myself find the comfort I need.

I asked for things to change - and boy did I get it!!

Since posting last in November, life has changed. A lot.
My children ended up having a wonderful Christmas thanks to friends and family who made it magical. I don't know what I would have done without their love and support. December was hectic and went by quickly, January was busy with packing a house while hubby was in another state, February was full of unpacking, March-April-and now May - it has taken this long to realize that I haven't been writing and I miss it.

In January my husband took a new job. Better pay, better benefits. Only we had to move away from all our friends and family. 8 hours away from those family and friends. Two states away. We are now in the lovely state of Georgia.

It's been interesting. The kids seem to be thriving. They are doing well in school, making friends, and have adjusted better than I even expected.

Hubby's job is going ok. I know it is exhausting for him. He doesn't have an office so he works from his truck/home and has had to get used to making sure he has everything with him. I know he is frustrated a lot and hoping he made the right choice.

As for me - i haven't found my spot yet.

I feel like I don’t really exist here. In NC I was a preschool teacher, a massage therapist, a friend, a daughter, a dance mom, kindergarten room mom, local girl. I had a history. I had a support group. I had friends. I had extended family.

Here my children are doing well. Our living space is better. Our finances are better. 

I am not better. 

Not yet.

 I have great neighbors who are very helpful and I really like them. I miss my friends though. I miss my girls that I could call and say hey lets get lunch and vent for a while. I don’t have a purpose other than my kids. I know for some that would be enough. Maybe I need to make it enough. I fell like I am losing a bit of myself every day. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about it because then she worries and misses us more.

I don’t feel I can talk to my husband about it because he is working so hard. Long days, long drives, coming home sprayed with foul smelling stuff and having to think about all the little parts of work he has to remember since he doesn’t have an office. I don’t feel like I should trouble him. I need to get a life in every sense of the word. I need to find a way to earn a little money so I feel like I am contributing to our family, to our life, to my own brain. I need to make a name for myself even in a small group so I gain some identity back. 

Because right now I feel so lost that I am worried I won't be found.

I have been consumed with making sure everyone else is adjusting ok and is happy. With making our rental house a home. With getting used to our new surrounding. I forgot to take a little time to look up things for me to do.

I can do this - I just need to take the time.