Today I woke up poor.
Now I didn't wake up with any less money than I had yesterday, but I woke up to the reality of the situation. After finally turning off my brain and falling asleep around 3 am - I woke up at 4 am to realize that I was poor. I realized that we needed toilet paper, paper towels, and tampons. I realized that after putting gas in my husband's car so he could get to work this week - we would only be able to afford one of those items. I told my brain to shut up, that I would figure it out in the morning and to let me go back to sleep.
Today I woke up to reality.
Your reality is what you make of it. A year or two ago - I thought we were poor. We lived paycheck to paycheck. This wasn't anything new. I grew up that way. I knew we weren't rich but I never felt anything other than "regular". I remember thinking a year ago that things could get worse but at the time it seemed unreal. Until it happened. Now I am having to reinvent our reality and persuade my children to accept a new reality but that it doesn't have to be all negative. No we can't go to the roller skating event for your school because it costs too much but we can go to the botanical gardens and take a great walk all together. You can help think of creative dinners based on what is in the pantry. No I don't mind if you just want cereal for dinner.
Today I woke up a bad mom.
I have learned that there is a direct correlation between the amount of money in the bank and the level at which my voice rises through the day. It is not constant bad mom-ness but I find that when I am trying to sort my thoughts and figure things out, it doesn't take very much to see the bad side.
Today I woke up aware.
I am completely aware that there are so many people who are in a much worse position than I. A friend mentioned that I should put our name on the angel tree at school so the kids would get stuff for Christmas. I can't do it. My kids will have Christmas presents from relatives - whether they get anything from us. They will be ok. They have clothes to wear that fit and toys to play with. I have seen the kids at their school that have neither. They deserve to have their names on the angel tree - we don't. I am aware that yes - things could indeed get even worse but I have such hope that they will get better.
Today I woke up grateful.
I am grateful that we have a house and the lights are still on. I am grateful I have been able to pay enough of the cable bill to keep them happy. I am grateful that I was able to fill up my husband's car. I am grateful that my children can forgive and sometimes forget my bad mom-ness. I am grateful that pancake mix is very cheap and my kids love pancakes.....at least for now! I am grateful that my mother was told to take the paper products from a job that was ending and she was able to give me two rolls of paper towels and three rolls of toilet paper. I am grateful that I still went to the dollar store instead of the grocery store because that way I still had a few dollars left enabling the toothfairy to visit tonight. I am grateful our toothfairy has always given just a dollar (well two for the first tooth but only a dollar after that) and that she never got sucked in to all the hoopla I see online about kids receiving toys, extravagant presents and five or ten dollars per tooth. If that had happened, we would have been screwed right now. I am grateful I am able to turn off the part of my brain that prefers certain brands of toilet paper and tampons. I am grateful that this morning I needed both and tonight I have both.
I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for my kids.
I am grateful that I am upright and breathing.
Tomorrow I will be grateful that there doesn't appear to be anything toxic in dollar store tampons and I survived the night. (Ok so I can't completely turn off the brand preference....)!
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Monday, November 11, 2013
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Coming back from the edge.....
In case you noticed (or not) my blog used to be called "Musings of an (In)Sane Life". This past spring insane hit a little too close to home and I couldn't stomach the title any longer. I haven't posted since May because this past spring I lost my mind. In March I started taking Welbutrin to quit smoking. My husband quit 5 years ago and I wanted to be good to me. I say Welbutrin but it was the generic form (which after doing some research means it is really "close" but not exactly the same). I was told to take it for 2-3 months before quitting and then to take it for a few months after. Within the first week positive things were happening. I really didn't want to smoke as often. I didn't feel the need. Another positive was it increased my libido - WHOA, wasnt' expecting that one! It was an unexpected side effect. I felt like a 15 year old boy and lucky for me my husband was a good sport ;). The increase in physical contact came at a needed time in our relationship where I was trying to increase intimacy anyway. After a few weeks though, the negative effects started showing although I didn't connect them to the medicine until the end of June.
When I first started taking it, I was not depressed. Tired? sure. But not depressed. I have always been an emotional person but a lot of people didn't see it. I was never one to cry in front of people when I was sad - at least not often. When bad things happened, I could hold it together pretty well until I was in a comfortable place. People would see me cry at happy occasions because I was overwhelmed with emotion. Family events, my wedding (started crying the minute I started down the aisle), reading an essay on motherhood in front of an audience and the birth of my kids. I would cry at sappy songs that reminded me of things. After about a month on the medication, I started to cry. I cried at anything and everything for about 5 weeks straight. Everything stressed me out, I became severely insecure about my looks, my mind, my marriage, my parenting skills - everything. I doubted everything about myself, about my life. I was anxious all day. I had many mornings while driving my daughter to school that my heart would start racing and I would think "What the hell? I am having a panic attack!" I had never had one of those before. Nothing about taking her to school stressed me out and there was never anything after dropoff that I was dreading. I could not figure it out.
I have always rolled with the punches pretty well when plans would change or stressful things came up during the day. Not that they wouldn't stress me but I could usually find the humor in them. Suddenly the smallest thing like a spilled drink or a leaky poopy diaper would sned me into the bathroom where I would sit on the floor and sob. I was so scared because I thought I was losing my mind and I didn't understand why. My family knew I was crying all the time - crying so much that it became an aggravation rather than a concern. None of them ever knew how petrified I really was about what was going on in my head. The final straw was on the first of July. I had felt stressed about various things all day and I ended up sitting outside in the pouring rain crying for over an hour and wanting to run away because I thought everyone who knew me would be better off if I did. That night in bed, I couldn't sleep. I ran through everything in my head trying to figure out where my mind had gone, why was it gone and where the hell did this depression come from. The next morning I started researching Welbutrin and the generic form. Guess what I found?
This drug, while used on many to treat depression, also had been documented as causing severe depression and anxiety in those using it for reasons other than depression. This was more common for the generic form and the depression ranged from pretty severe to debilitating to extreme suicidal thoughts. The more I read, the more convinced I was that this medicine was the problem. I called the pharmacist immediately and talked to her about how to go off safely and how long it would take to get out of my system. I felt a bit better within a few days and felt close to normal by the end of the month. I knew I was getting better because of my reactions to things that were happening (extreme house issues, flooding, new job for spouse, financial issues but all that is a future blog!) I really don't know if I could have made it through all that in the condition I had been in.
I no longer cry at everything. I don't feel like I am about to dehydrate from the outpouring of emotion. I am not hiding in the bathroom anymore (or hitting walls or having panic attacks or wanting to run away). I am glad my friends and family didn't turn their back on me during all that but I really wish I had communicated my fears a little better so they could have understood how bad off I really was.
No I have not quit smoking....yet. I have been focusing on getting my mind back. As soon as I finish my mental "spring cleaning" and have gotten the cobwebs out - I will get back on track (sans medicine)!
When I first started taking it, I was not depressed. Tired? sure. But not depressed. I have always been an emotional person but a lot of people didn't see it. I was never one to cry in front of people when I was sad - at least not often. When bad things happened, I could hold it together pretty well until I was in a comfortable place. People would see me cry at happy occasions because I was overwhelmed with emotion. Family events, my wedding (started crying the minute I started down the aisle), reading an essay on motherhood in front of an audience and the birth of my kids. I would cry at sappy songs that reminded me of things. After about a month on the medication, I started to cry. I cried at anything and everything for about 5 weeks straight. Everything stressed me out, I became severely insecure about my looks, my mind, my marriage, my parenting skills - everything. I doubted everything about myself, about my life. I was anxious all day. I had many mornings while driving my daughter to school that my heart would start racing and I would think "What the hell? I am having a panic attack!" I had never had one of those before. Nothing about taking her to school stressed me out and there was never anything after dropoff that I was dreading. I could not figure it out.
I have always rolled with the punches pretty well when plans would change or stressful things came up during the day. Not that they wouldn't stress me but I could usually find the humor in them. Suddenly the smallest thing like a spilled drink or a leaky poopy diaper would sned me into the bathroom where I would sit on the floor and sob. I was so scared because I thought I was losing my mind and I didn't understand why. My family knew I was crying all the time - crying so much that it became an aggravation rather than a concern. None of them ever knew how petrified I really was about what was going on in my head. The final straw was on the first of July. I had felt stressed about various things all day and I ended up sitting outside in the pouring rain crying for over an hour and wanting to run away because I thought everyone who knew me would be better off if I did. That night in bed, I couldn't sleep. I ran through everything in my head trying to figure out where my mind had gone, why was it gone and where the hell did this depression come from. The next morning I started researching Welbutrin and the generic form. Guess what I found?
This drug, while used on many to treat depression, also had been documented as causing severe depression and anxiety in those using it for reasons other than depression. This was more common for the generic form and the depression ranged from pretty severe to debilitating to extreme suicidal thoughts. The more I read, the more convinced I was that this medicine was the problem. I called the pharmacist immediately and talked to her about how to go off safely and how long it would take to get out of my system. I felt a bit better within a few days and felt close to normal by the end of the month. I knew I was getting better because of my reactions to things that were happening (extreme house issues, flooding, new job for spouse, financial issues but all that is a future blog!) I really don't know if I could have made it through all that in the condition I had been in.
I no longer cry at everything. I don't feel like I am about to dehydrate from the outpouring of emotion. I am not hiding in the bathroom anymore (or hitting walls or having panic attacks or wanting to run away). I am glad my friends and family didn't turn their back on me during all that but I really wish I had communicated my fears a little better so they could have understood how bad off I really was.
No I have not quit smoking....yet. I have been focusing on getting my mind back. As soon as I finish my mental "spring cleaning" and have gotten the cobwebs out - I will get back on track (sans medicine)!
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