Today I woke up poor....and grateful.

Today I woke up poor.
Now I didn't wake up with any less money than I had yesterday, but I woke up to the reality of the situation. After finally turning off my brain and falling asleep around 3 am - I woke up at 4 am to realize that I was poor. I realized that we needed toilet paper, paper towels, and tampons. I realized that after putting gas in my husband's car so he could get to work this week - we would only be able to afford one of those items. I told my brain to shut up, that I would figure it out in the morning and to let me go back to sleep.

Today I woke up to reality.
Your reality is what you make of it. A year or two ago - I thought we were poor. We lived paycheck to paycheck. This wasn't anything new. I grew up that way. I knew we weren't rich but I never felt anything other than "regular". I remember thinking a year ago that things could get worse but at the time it seemed unreal. Until it happened. Now I am having to reinvent our reality and persuade my children to accept a new reality but that it doesn't have to be all negative. No we can't go to the roller skating event for your school because it costs too much but we can go to the botanical gardens and take a great walk all together. You can help think of creative dinners based on what is in the pantry. No I don't mind if you just want cereal for dinner.

Today I woke up a bad mom.
 I have learned that there is a direct correlation between the amount of money in the bank and the level at which my voice rises through the day. It is not constant bad mom-ness but I find that when I am trying to sort my thoughts and figure things out, it doesn't take very much to see the bad side.

Today I woke up aware.
 I am completely aware that there are so many people who are in a much worse position than I. A friend mentioned that I should put our name on the angel tree at school so the kids would get stuff for Christmas. I can't do it. My kids will have Christmas presents from relatives - whether they get anything from us. They will be ok. They have clothes to wear that fit and toys to play with. I have seen the kids at their school that have neither. They deserve to have their names on the angel tree - we don't. I am aware that yes - things could indeed get even worse but I have such hope that they will get better.

Today I woke up grateful.
I am grateful that we have a house and the lights are still on. I am grateful I have been able to pay enough of the cable bill to keep them happy. I am grateful that I was able to fill up my husband's car. I am grateful that my children can forgive and sometimes forget my bad mom-ness. I am grateful that pancake mix is very cheap and my kids love pancakes.....at least for now!  I am grateful that my mother was told to take the paper products from a job that was ending and she was able to give me two rolls of paper towels and three rolls of toilet paper. I am grateful that I still went to the dollar store instead of the grocery store because that way I still had a few dollars left enabling the toothfairy to visit tonight. I am grateful our toothfairy has always given just a dollar (well two for the first tooth but only a dollar after that) and that she never got sucked in to all the hoopla I see online about kids receiving toys, extravagant presents and five or ten dollars per tooth. If that had happened, we would have been screwed right now. I am grateful I am able to turn off the part of my brain that prefers certain brands of toilet paper and tampons. I am grateful that this morning I needed both and tonight I have both.

I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for my kids.
I am grateful that I am upright and breathing.

Tomorrow I will be grateful that there doesn't appear to be anything toxic in dollar store tampons and I survived the night. (Ok so I can't completely turn off the brand preference....)!

"Listen To Your Mother" is not just a show, it is an Experience.

I am such a bundle of emotions right now (which makes me prone to overusing adjectives and even wordier than usual). Tonight was the "Listen To Your Mother" show. It was so magical, powerful, validating, wonderful, emotional, raw, truthful and real.

It's been a long time since I felt a part of something that meant so much to me. I have been looking forward to this for a while and now that it's done - I feel completely overwhelmed with feelings:

I am so proud to have been a part of the inaugural show in the Raleigh-Durham area.

I am so honored to have been a part of something that had so many remarkable people in it.

I am so elated with how well my piece went over with the audience.

I am so humbled by the comments from family, friends and complete strangers.

I am so very sad that it is over.

I feel like I am in mourning yet I am high on a cloud at the same time. I want to laugh at how remarkable this all was. I want to dance from the thrill of being on stage again (a stage that I performed on many times in college and haven't stood on in almost 20 years). I want to sing from the joy it gave me to hear that I struck a chord with people I have never met that came up to me after the show to comment on my piece. I want to cry because I don't want any of these feelings to end.

I am writing this down to hold myself accountable. This has inspired me to find my writing voice again, to find ways to perform again, to find me. Even though my time with "Listen To Your Mother" is over - I will find ways to create these feelings in my life.

Plus I am not sure of the rules regarding submitting a written piece to LTYM next year - but I will keep trying every year in the hopes of doing it again one day - but next time I will stay longer at the after party!!

Let's get ready to rumble...

I have had a few days (weeks) of stuck-in-your-own-head-over-thinking-everything. Why can't things come to you a little faster sometimes??

I can be quite sensitive which surprises some people. Usually in public I control my emotions pretty well - almost to the point of some people thinking I am not emotional enough. I can be at a funeral or something stressful and I tend to "Do" rather than "Feel". Put me with people whose approval and validation I crave and I tend to cry at anything.

I have been very emotional lately and trying to sort out a lot of stress in my family life. Events in the past few months have stressed everyone and I am learning how to best take care of each of them. I also started looking at what was stressing me and what I was needing. I have been craving affection and closeness with my partner - I had distanced myself because of being overwhelmed by the kids, not feeling appreciated, feeling lonely and like I had to do it all by myself. I had distanced myself because if I hadn't done so and told myself that he needed that space to deal with some things - I probably would have blown up about wanting more help at home and with the kids.

I know now that one of the most important things I need to do is learn to ask for help. I need to say "Hey can you take care of this while I am doing this?" instead of waiting for him to read my mind!

I Need the affection I have been distancing myself from. He needs it too. My kids need us to have it. It wasn't that I didn't want it - it was just easier to keep my feelings under wraps because I wasn't sure at the time if my affections were wanted, if they would be welcomed. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid things than to work on them. I am done with easy. I am ready for a fight. I am ready to make him a priority. I am ready to make me a priority. I love my kids but I cannot solely focus on them to the detriment of other things in my life.

Growing up, my parents divorced when I was 9. While my mother was a very capable, intelligent woman - I still saw how hard the divorce was on her. Afterwards she was intent on showing me how to use tools and do things on my own so I wouldn't have to "depend on a man". I think it sunk in a little too deep in that I have always tried to do everything myself and get very frustrated when I cannot do something and have to ask for help. In fact - I really thought for the longest time that I would never marry. I would have kids but if I stayed single - I would never have to go through a divorce.

Obviously the idea of staying single changed. I wouldn't trade my husband for anything in the world and I treasure my marriage very much. It has taken years for me to be comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I always wanted to stay home with them and avoid daycare. I have a husband that supported that desire but it's been so difficult to accept it in my brain because I felt like I should be bringing in income. I have always worried my crappy housekeeping skills are aggravating to him after long days at work.

I have also come to realize that I keep doing things for people that I would appreciate and not necessarily what they appreciate. I love little fun texts, posts of Facebook, a random caring email. When I do that for someone and don't get a response, then I get my feelings hurt. Finally it slapped me in the face that just because I liked those - it doesn't mean the person I am sending them to like them. I guess figuring out what makes others feel loved and appreciated is one of the best things you can do for any relationship!

So I have my boxing gloves on, my hands are up and I am ready for whatever is thrown at me!