"You got to hold on, Hey you got to hold on...." - Alabama Shakes

When my husband and I were first together we were very cuddly. Every night in bed he would spoon me then after a bit we would both roll over and I would spoon him. Then when we were ready to sleep, we would separate. I remember wanting to be able to snuggle him all night but I just couldn't. I was so used to sleeping alone that it was hard for me to fall asleep unless I had rolled away.

Then we started having kids. The first did start out in a bassinet next to our bed but my eyesight is so awful with my contacts out that I would panic every night because I couldn't SEE her and see if she was breathing, in a good position, etc. That's how she ended up in the bed (and as a dedicated but lazy breastfeeding mama - i could doze while nursing her).

My husband and I still slept next to each other because he was afraid he would roll on her. Once she got older, she ended up in middle. Then came child #2. She never slept anywhere else but our bed. She would be on one side of me and #1 would be on the other. Hubby didn't mind them in the middle at this point because we discovered we slept better with them and didn't roll on them. Slept better when they were babies that is.

Child #3 also was/is a bed partner. For the longest time, he was the middle person in the bed. Some nights #1 would join up, the next night #2 or sometimes both. Even a king size bed does not seem very big with 5 people in it. Hubby and I have talked about it a lot and we don't plan on kicking them out of bed - it's a safe, warm place for them. Plus I have always thought it was weird that Mommy and Daddy can go to bed together and have someone to snuggle, curl up next to after a bad dream, and just feel comfort that someone is near  - yet we send small children (with vivid imaginations) to bed alone.

There are nights where we don't enjoy it, especially with legs getting longer each day but as long as they do not come in too early - we are still fine with it. We have changed things though.

My husband and I had a few months that were a little rough. It was just easier to distance ourselves rather than paying attention to what each other needed. The funny thing is the more you focus on your own needs and not on your partners - the less support and affection you both get. You are too busy feeling ignored to actually pay attention to the other person! We decided to change that and it has been wonderful. A big change has been nighttime cuddles.

We have been going to bed at the same time more often and when we do, #3 is moved over to the side of the bed. If the other two wander in at some point, we tell them "climb on in! - beside your brother." Sometimes there are complaints about wanting to be next me but I am telling them "You get a lot of my time and attention during the day, it's daddy's turn now."

Now my husband and I are next to each other. We are making our relationship a priority and paying attention to the fact that we need each others attention. We don't want to get to that place again.

Every night in bed he spoons me then after a bit we both roll over and I spoon him. The difference now is we don't roll apart. Whether it's because we don't get to give each other a lot of attention during the day, subconscious worries that if we let go, we might drift apart again, or because we have found our safe, warm place - the reason doesn't matter.

What is important is now we hold on to each other until morning and even then it's hard to let go....

Let's get ready to rumble...

I have had a few days (weeks) of stuck-in-your-own-head-over-thinking-everything. Why can't things come to you a little faster sometimes??

I can be quite sensitive which surprises some people. Usually in public I control my emotions pretty well - almost to the point of some people thinking I am not emotional enough. I can be at a funeral or something stressful and I tend to "Do" rather than "Feel". Put me with people whose approval and validation I crave and I tend to cry at anything.

I have been very emotional lately and trying to sort out a lot of stress in my family life. Events in the past few months have stressed everyone and I am learning how to best take care of each of them. I also started looking at what was stressing me and what I was needing. I have been craving affection and closeness with my partner - I had distanced myself because of being overwhelmed by the kids, not feeling appreciated, feeling lonely and like I had to do it all by myself. I had distanced myself because if I hadn't done so and told myself that he needed that space to deal with some things - I probably would have blown up about wanting more help at home and with the kids.

I know now that one of the most important things I need to do is learn to ask for help. I need to say "Hey can you take care of this while I am doing this?" instead of waiting for him to read my mind!

I Need the affection I have been distancing myself from. He needs it too. My kids need us to have it. It wasn't that I didn't want it - it was just easier to keep my feelings under wraps because I wasn't sure at the time if my affections were wanted, if they would be welcomed. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid things than to work on them. I am done with easy. I am ready for a fight. I am ready to make him a priority. I am ready to make me a priority. I love my kids but I cannot solely focus on them to the detriment of other things in my life.

Growing up, my parents divorced when I was 9. While my mother was a very capable, intelligent woman - I still saw how hard the divorce was on her. Afterwards she was intent on showing me how to use tools and do things on my own so I wouldn't have to "depend on a man". I think it sunk in a little too deep in that I have always tried to do everything myself and get very frustrated when I cannot do something and have to ask for help. In fact - I really thought for the longest time that I would never marry. I would have kids but if I stayed single - I would never have to go through a divorce.

Obviously the idea of staying single changed. I wouldn't trade my husband for anything in the world and I treasure my marriage very much. It has taken years for me to be comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I always wanted to stay home with them and avoid daycare. I have a husband that supported that desire but it's been so difficult to accept it in my brain because I felt like I should be bringing in income. I have always worried my crappy housekeeping skills are aggravating to him after long days at work.

I have also come to realize that I keep doing things for people that I would appreciate and not necessarily what they appreciate. I love little fun texts, posts of Facebook, a random caring email. When I do that for someone and don't get a response, then I get my feelings hurt. Finally it slapped me in the face that just because I liked those - it doesn't mean the person I am sending them to like them. I guess figuring out what makes others feel loved and appreciated is one of the best things you can do for any relationship!

So I have my boxing gloves on, my hands are up and I am ready for whatever is thrown at me!

Married.....With Children???? How did that happen?

Some days I wake up and wonder how I got here. I always knew I would have kids. I told people when I was 6 that I was going to be a mom when I grew up. When adults would ask me about getting married - I would say "why?"

I really never thought I would be married. My parents divorced when I was 9 and while I was sad, I was also old enough to recognize that it was probably the best decision. Granted it wasn't fun. I was one of the only kids in my class with divorced parents at the time. After the initial shock wore off - both parents were happier in the long run but one probably wouldn't admit it. I saw my mother doing everything and figured why should I bother ever getting married - I can do it all by myself.

I realized as I got older that it is nicer to have a partner to share the happy times and the bad but I still didn't think I would end up married. Now here I am - almost 7 years of marriage and 3 kids later. I love my husband dearly - I wouldn't trade him for the world. At the same time, I suck at marriage. The political, feminist part of my brain cannot believe sometimes that not only am I married but I am a housewife! I am not good at communicating when I want to do or plan things. I either don't do them or schedule them and then pass on the information when I should have an open discussion on plans. I think subconsciously I feel like I am asking permission.

I suck at asking for help. I try to do it all even to the point of interrupting my husband when he is doing something by trying to do it for him. My brain must be thoroughly confused because when I don't ask for help or have run him off from completing whatever task he was trying to do - I find later that I am ill that I have no help! I have always had a bad habit of trying to do it myself. When I was in AmeriCorps and was a team leader in charge of 14 others - instead of dictating various tasks that needed to be done, I would try to do it all. I think it came from a combination of:
1. If I do it then I know it will be done.
2. If I do it then I won't inconvenience anyone.
3. If I do it things will be more peaceful, everyone will love me and we will all be happy.
I knew as soon as that year ended that I should have done things differently and I would love to redo that year in a completely different way. While I recognize this for that period in my life, I find myself doing the exact same thing in my marriage. "He works hard all day, I shouldn't ask for any help." "The kids picked up a few toys so I will just do the rest so it is done faster."

I lack skills in getting things off my chest. I used to like to do it by writing letters. You can say a lot more in a letter - without worry of being interrupted/chastised/seeing eyes roll. When I found out that my husband hated when I wrote the soul bearing letters - I didn't stop but I cut back tremendously. Now I just don't get it off my chest. If it builds up too much, I find that I take it out on my kids. Talk about feeling like a tool! When I snap at my kids because I am mad at myself - I want to cry. I am capable enough to be alone with my children all day and make decisions for them. When the evening comes though and I am no longer a solo parent - I lose all my abilities. When my husband and I disagree on something to do with the kids, I do not try to make my point, or explain my rationale. I pout. Like a 9 year old kid. I.Must.Learn.Communication!

I have come a long way in some regards. I can't even describe how weird/scary/uncomfortable it was to be a stay at home mom at first. I totally felt that he had an income and I was completely broke. I got over that and worked through it - it took a couple of years and a couple of kids to realize that I was working too, I just didn't contribute a paycheck! I have not gotten better at keeping the house but I am trying. I want to learn to cook more because I enjoy it a lot of times. I want to learn communication skills and stress relieving techniques to calm my inner voices on the days where I feel like I am tending to 4 people and not tending to myself.

I see that my 9 year old brain that watched my parents divorce was affected more than I realized. The pouty, stubborn, easily hurt, emotional 9 year old part of my brain needs to be suppressed a bit so the 36 year old adult part of my brain can thrive in marriage and with kids!