I have had a few days (weeks) of stuck-in-your-own-head-over-thinking-everything. Why can't things come to you a little faster sometimes??
I can be quite sensitive which surprises some people. Usually in public I control my emotions pretty well - almost to the point of some people thinking I am not emotional enough. I can be at a funeral or something stressful and I tend to "Do" rather than "Feel". Put me with people whose approval and validation I crave and I tend to cry at anything.
I have been very emotional lately and trying to sort out a lot of stress in my family life. Events in the past few months have stressed everyone and I am learning how to best take care of each of them. I also started looking at what was stressing me and what I was needing. I have been craving affection and closeness with my partner - I had distanced myself because of being overwhelmed by the kids, not feeling appreciated, feeling lonely and like I had to do it all by myself. I had distanced myself because if I hadn't done so and told myself that he needed that space to deal with some things - I probably would have blown up about wanting more help at home and with the kids.
I know now that one of the most important things I need to do is learn to ask for help. I need to say "Hey can you take care of this while I am doing this?" instead of waiting for him to read my mind!
I Need the affection I have been distancing myself from. He needs it too. My kids need us to have it. It wasn't that I didn't want it - it was just easier to keep my feelings under wraps because I wasn't sure at the time if my affections were wanted, if they would be welcomed. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid things than to work on them. I am done with easy. I am ready for a fight. I am ready to make him a priority. I am ready to make me a priority. I love my kids but I cannot solely focus on them to the detriment of other things in my life.
Growing up, my parents divorced when I was 9. While my mother was a very capable, intelligent woman - I still saw how hard the divorce was on her. Afterwards she was intent on showing me how to use tools and do things on my own so I wouldn't have to "depend on a man". I think it sunk in a little too deep in that I have always tried to do everything myself and get very frustrated when I cannot do something and have to ask for help. In fact - I really thought for the longest time that I would never marry. I would have kids but if I stayed single - I would never have to go through a divorce.
Obviously the idea of staying single changed. I wouldn't trade my husband for anything in the world and I treasure my marriage very much. It has taken years for me to be comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I always wanted to stay home with them and avoid daycare. I have a husband that supported that desire but it's been so difficult to accept it in my brain because I felt like I should be bringing in income. I have always worried my crappy housekeeping skills are aggravating to him after long days at work.
I have also come to realize that I keep doing things for people that I would appreciate and not necessarily what they appreciate. I love little fun texts, posts of Facebook, a random caring email. When I do that for someone and don't get a response, then I get my feelings hurt. Finally it slapped me in the face that just because I liked those - it doesn't mean the person I am sending them to like them. I guess figuring out what makes others feel loved and appreciated is one of the best things you can do for any relationship!
So I have my boxing gloves on, my hands are up and I am ready for whatever is thrown at me!
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
TWO
I have been reflecting a lot lately on what I have done (and mostly on what I haven't done) in my life thus far. I have noticed that the number 2 is a prominent thing in my life. I have always had a thing for even numbers although I have a fondness for the number 7 (but only in the past 10 years) and I have always had really good luck on Friday the 13th. It would bother me if I had the rare incidence of not sneezing twice and little things like that.
-From Kindergarten to high school graduation I attended two schools
-I went to two colleges
-My dorm room the first two years of college was on the second floor
-My last two years of college, I lived in 2 apartments
-I served in Americorps NCCC for 2 years and my team was Blue 2
-I worked for the Corporation for National Service for 2 years
-I worked for Ipas for 2 years
-I wanted and had 2 girls
Lately something feels off. Is it because I have actually lived somewhere longer than 2 years? In between some of the 2 year stints, I stayed places for less than two years but until we bought our house - I hadn't lived in a place longer than 2 years since I left my childhood home! I have lived in the same place for 6 years this time!
Did I mess up my even number mojo with the third child? Should I have only had 2 or was I supposed to have 4 and there really should have been 2 girls and 2 boys?
Every job I have had since college has been for 2 years or less - some of these I had no control over so it isn't me being bored and needing to switch after two years. Technically I have worked as a massage therapist for 9 years but it has been so part time that the total amount of work probably doesn't measure up to 2 years.
My oldest was 2 when I got pregnant with my middle child who was 2 when I got pregnant with my third (who is now two). I seem to feel restless when they turn two. The age of two drives me batty - you can't reason with them but they are fiercely independent. I am not having the feelings of loss with my boy being two the way I did with the girls - mourning their passing babyhood. I am sad to see him growing so fast but there isn't any baby lust this time.
At the same time something still feels off!
Very rarely does an even number - especially a 2- not feel right to me. It has happened though. We used to have one sofa in our living room. It was a large L-shaped and we didn't have room for any other chairs. Now we have a regular couch and a recliner. While I love the new furniture - having 2 separate pieces instead of one has left me feeling very lonely and disconnected. Now my husband is all the way across the room instead of right near me. Ignoring each other and staring at our computers is easier and now it feels like we are in our own little worlds that are quite far apart from each other.
Maybe I a reading too much into the number 2 or maybe I am just looking for answers to my restless, uneasy feeling.
Not sure but hopefully this 2 will pass...
-From Kindergarten to high school graduation I attended two schools
-I went to two colleges
-My dorm room the first two years of college was on the second floor
-My last two years of college, I lived in 2 apartments
-I served in Americorps NCCC for 2 years and my team was Blue 2
-I worked for the Corporation for National Service for 2 years
-I worked for Ipas for 2 years
-I wanted and had 2 girls
Lately something feels off. Is it because I have actually lived somewhere longer than 2 years? In between some of the 2 year stints, I stayed places for less than two years but until we bought our house - I hadn't lived in a place longer than 2 years since I left my childhood home! I have lived in the same place for 6 years this time!
Did I mess up my even number mojo with the third child? Should I have only had 2 or was I supposed to have 4 and there really should have been 2 girls and 2 boys?
Every job I have had since college has been for 2 years or less - some of these I had no control over so it isn't me being bored and needing to switch after two years. Technically I have worked as a massage therapist for 9 years but it has been so part time that the total amount of work probably doesn't measure up to 2 years.
My oldest was 2 when I got pregnant with my middle child who was 2 when I got pregnant with my third (who is now two). I seem to feel restless when they turn two. The age of two drives me batty - you can't reason with them but they are fiercely independent. I am not having the feelings of loss with my boy being two the way I did with the girls - mourning their passing babyhood. I am sad to see him growing so fast but there isn't any baby lust this time.
At the same time something still feels off!
Very rarely does an even number - especially a 2- not feel right to me. It has happened though. We used to have one sofa in our living room. It was a large L-shaped and we didn't have room for any other chairs. Now we have a regular couch and a recliner. While I love the new furniture - having 2 separate pieces instead of one has left me feeling very lonely and disconnected. Now my husband is all the way across the room instead of right near me. Ignoring each other and staring at our computers is easier and now it feels like we are in our own little worlds that are quite far apart from each other.
Maybe I a reading too much into the number 2 or maybe I am just looking for answers to my restless, uneasy feeling.
Not sure but hopefully this 2 will pass...
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
After a fire comes a rebirth - I'm just waiting for the smoke to clear.
Once again I want to blog and realize it's been over a year since I last did so. I am not going to promise myself that will change. I am not going to promise to faithfully write every day, week or month. Hell I may have even said this before. All I know is that I love to write, I like the idea that other people might read/follow/enjoy/get pissed off/cry at something I have written, and I NEED this outlet.
I had a big "Holy Shit - that totally describes it" moment today. I am in mourning. I have been in mourning for a while and seem to find new things to add to the list. In November my Mother in Law passed away. I avoided mourning my MIL by focusing on how my husband was feeling (not that he would share with me but I watched him closely) and helping my kids deal with it.
I realized today that there were many things I was mourning that ranged from major to rather silly. Obviously my MIL is on top of the list. It was very difficult because I loved my MIL, I didn't feel like I had enough time with her and her death made it real to me that my parents won't always be here. Mostly though it broke my heart that my husband, at only 48, has already lost both of his parents.
I am in mourning for people I love. There have been many friends dealing with extreme illness - their own, their parents, their kids. Friends who have endured grief that I can not fathom. Some live so far away from me which makes it so hard when I have days where I feel like I would sell a body part just to be able to give them a hug.
I am mourning the passing of time involving my kids :
My youngest stopped breastfeeding on his own a few months ago. My last nursling will occasionally grab my chest and say "awww boobies". I thought I would be glad when my body was just mine again - in the past 8 years I have had a child attached to that part of my body for over 5 years of that time! I feel a little lost...
I am mourning that my 5 year old who will start Kindergarten soon. I mourn that the carefree part of childhood is ending. She is having a rough time lately - a big case of middle child. She is constantly yelling "Mommy look at me, LOOK at me!" I do need to look at her more - the problem is if I take my eyes off the 2 yr who knows what could happen. My 8 year old teeters between acting like a little teenager and a 5 year old. Some days I can handle it all with a smile and other days I lose my shit.
There are little things I am mourning. The small gas station in my town owned by a sweet Indian family closed last month and I felt so sad. It was type of place that would let you get gas on Wednesday and pay for it on Thursday if they knew you. At least once a week the owner would slip me lollipops or gum for the kids - sometimes even popsicles.
I am in mourning for the woman I used to be. The one that had interests and hobbies that didn't involve kids. I don't remember how I spent my time before children but I know I enjoyed parts of it! I just want to be able to find that woman every once in a while and see life through my own eyes instead of my "mother" eyes. Let's get it straight - I treasure being a mom. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. It's ok to want to not be with them sometimes.
I am in mourning for my marriage - for what it used to be. When we had time to really focus on each other. When we used to talk and listen to each other. For the time when if I was in tears - I would be asked what was wrong or at the very least given a hug instead of having my tears greeted with exasperation. I don't want presents or flowers brought home. I just want to be asked how my day was or how I'm doing and know that my answer will not only be heard but ingested.
I think I am mostly mourning all the changes. I like change - it's refreshing, it wakes you up. I just wasn't prepared for so many things to change all at once. Once I learn the best way to adapt to all these changes, I know the uphill climb will level off for a bit. The day to day will coast along rather than feel like a struggle - at least until the next round of changes come.
I had a big "Holy Shit - that totally describes it" moment today. I am in mourning. I have been in mourning for a while and seem to find new things to add to the list. In November my Mother in Law passed away. I avoided mourning my MIL by focusing on how my husband was feeling (not that he would share with me but I watched him closely) and helping my kids deal with it.
I realized today that there were many things I was mourning that ranged from major to rather silly. Obviously my MIL is on top of the list. It was very difficult because I loved my MIL, I didn't feel like I had enough time with her and her death made it real to me that my parents won't always be here. Mostly though it broke my heart that my husband, at only 48, has already lost both of his parents.
I am in mourning for people I love. There have been many friends dealing with extreme illness - their own, their parents, their kids. Friends who have endured grief that I can not fathom. Some live so far away from me which makes it so hard when I have days where I feel like I would sell a body part just to be able to give them a hug.
I am mourning the passing of time involving my kids :
My youngest stopped breastfeeding on his own a few months ago. My last nursling will occasionally grab my chest and say "awww boobies". I thought I would be glad when my body was just mine again - in the past 8 years I have had a child attached to that part of my body for over 5 years of that time! I feel a little lost...
I am mourning that my 5 year old who will start Kindergarten soon. I mourn that the carefree part of childhood is ending. She is having a rough time lately - a big case of middle child. She is constantly yelling "Mommy look at me, LOOK at me!" I do need to look at her more - the problem is if I take my eyes off the 2 yr who knows what could happen. My 8 year old teeters between acting like a little teenager and a 5 year old. Some days I can handle it all with a smile and other days I lose my shit.
There are little things I am mourning. The small gas station in my town owned by a sweet Indian family closed last month and I felt so sad. It was type of place that would let you get gas on Wednesday and pay for it on Thursday if they knew you. At least once a week the owner would slip me lollipops or gum for the kids - sometimes even popsicles.
I am in mourning for the woman I used to be. The one that had interests and hobbies that didn't involve kids. I don't remember how I spent my time before children but I know I enjoyed parts of it! I just want to be able to find that woman every once in a while and see life through my own eyes instead of my "mother" eyes. Let's get it straight - I treasure being a mom. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. It's ok to want to not be with them sometimes.
I am in mourning for my marriage - for what it used to be. When we had time to really focus on each other. When we used to talk and listen to each other. For the time when if I was in tears - I would be asked what was wrong or at the very least given a hug instead of having my tears greeted with exasperation. I don't want presents or flowers brought home. I just want to be asked how my day was or how I'm doing and know that my answer will not only be heard but ingested.
I think I am mostly mourning all the changes. I like change - it's refreshing, it wakes you up. I just wasn't prepared for so many things to change all at once. Once I learn the best way to adapt to all these changes, I know the uphill climb will level off for a bit. The day to day will coast along rather than feel like a struggle - at least until the next round of changes come.
Friday, December 9, 2011
It get's old...
Most of the time I don't really care what other people think. Most of the time. Then every once in a while a week happens where I am sensitive to everything that I pick up from other people. This is one of those weeks. If one more person makes me feel like I can't do anything right, I am going to lose.my.shit... I know that some of it comes from dealing with sick kidlets for 3 weeks, being tired, other life stresses but I am going to blow soon.
Crappy looks :
because I came into a room and talked when someone was watching t.v.,
because I tried to start conversations when I guess the other person doesn't want to converse (I spend a great deal of time during the day only talking to people under 5 feet tall, I need other conversation!)
Comments like:
Why are you going this way (because I am the one who is driving damn it - you want to go that way, you drive)
You spoil your baby, he wants to be held all the time (guess what? MY baby, I don't think you CAN spoil a baby, none of YOUR fucking business)
I have heard others tell me how I Need to do this, Need not to do that, Should do it this way, Why do you do it that way, You need to get some time to yourself (then watch my kids and I will), etc, etc.
No my house is not as clean as I want it, no I don't cook the way I want to sometimes, no I am not doing it the way you think is best!
I do talk to much, I am opinionated, I have a bad habit of reading news online and wanting to share it with people just to have a conversation.
I feel things very deeply and people who are cold and seemingly uncaring to the world piss me off sometimes. I feel it is either an act so people won't realize just how insecure you are or you really are that dead inside and need to wake the hell up
I am a Libra - I crave balance and try to keep things even/happy/calm. But some people have tipped my scales! Those of you who criticize are not perfect but I don't usually point out your flaws. I may prepare an awesome speech in my head about such flaws (usually when you are pointing out mine) but I don't share them.
I cannot promise that this will be the case from now on - I think I need to give advice/constructive criticism/crappy comments back to those who are a little too happy to talk down but be warned, when i give it back - it's coming back twice as hard. Very few have seen how truly bitchy I can be - the bitch in my brain has been working out and may be ready for her close up!
Crappy looks :
because I came into a room and talked when someone was watching t.v.,
because I tried to start conversations when I guess the other person doesn't want to converse (I spend a great deal of time during the day only talking to people under 5 feet tall, I need other conversation!)
Comments like:
Why are you going this way (because I am the one who is driving damn it - you want to go that way, you drive)
You spoil your baby, he wants to be held all the time (guess what? MY baby, I don't think you CAN spoil a baby, none of YOUR fucking business)
I have heard others tell me how I Need to do this, Need not to do that, Should do it this way, Why do you do it that way, You need to get some time to yourself (then watch my kids and I will), etc, etc.
No my house is not as clean as I want it, no I don't cook the way I want to sometimes, no I am not doing it the way you think is best!
I do talk to much, I am opinionated, I have a bad habit of reading news online and wanting to share it with people just to have a conversation.
I feel things very deeply and people who are cold and seemingly uncaring to the world piss me off sometimes. I feel it is either an act so people won't realize just how insecure you are or you really are that dead inside and need to wake the hell up
I am a Libra - I crave balance and try to keep things even/happy/calm. But some people have tipped my scales! Those of you who criticize are not perfect but I don't usually point out your flaws. I may prepare an awesome speech in my head about such flaws (usually when you are pointing out mine) but I don't share them.
I cannot promise that this will be the case from now on - I think I need to give advice/constructive criticism/crappy comments back to those who are a little too happy to talk down but be warned, when i give it back - it's coming back twice as hard. Very few have seen how truly bitchy I can be - the bitch in my brain has been working out and may be ready for her close up!
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Being scared sucks!!
I am scared. Every day I have a period of time where I am just so scared. It's like living in a horror movie. It is not a panic attack - there are no real physical symptoms. I am not depressed or unhappy - I feel pretty content with life in general. Yet I am still scared. I don't allow myself to be scared for a long period of time - I talk it out of my head until it returns the next day
I learned to stop worrying - I used to worry about things at night preventing myself from having a good nights sleep. Once I had kids - I didn't want them to seem me worrying so I have tried to step back when something troubles me and decide if worrying will help or benefit me in any way. The answer is usually NO. I have discovered though that by not worrying, I almost live in a state of denial. My style of "thinking about it tomorrow" works but puts some things so far out of my mind that I don't effectively deal with them.
I am scared that our finances will never improve. My husband has a good job and he works so very hard to take care of us. The rising costs of everything and the addition of a 3rd child have made things so tight that it seems like every other week I am trying to book massages or sell something - anything to make sure we are ok. I will skip lunch during the week with the irrationally assumption that I am making the food last longer even though I always make sure we have food.
Part of me wants to find a job to take pressure off my husband and improve things while the other part knows that just about any job I could find around here would barely pay for daycare for a toddler and an infant. The last thing I want to is to ever make my husband feel like he isn't an awesome provider. This leads me to a irrational fear that one day he will wake up and realize that if he wasn't taking care of a wife and 3 kids - he would be doing pretty good. he would be able to buy things that he wants. I know this is irrational because he loves us all so much but it is still a fear in the back of my head.
It seems to happen a lot in the middle of the day - when I have no adult around to talk to and I am playing with the two little kids. A thought will go through my mind and I get scared. I will usually chase it away by having a mommy time out on the front porch. I know that I need to quit smoking, I want to quit smoking. It's not a good example for my kids, it's a waste of money, it's unhealthy but it's also the one thing that helps during the scary time. A smoke break and then a cuddle with my 3 year old (she is so sparkly that she is good at chasing any bad mood away).
I am scared for my 6 year old daughter. I am scared that I have messed her up and I don't know how. She used to be very carefree. She would talk to anyone and was so outgoing. Over the last two years she has become very anxious, scared to try things, and very prone to crying at the drop of the hat. Today we took her to try a martial arts class - you could tell she wanted to do it so so bad. For the most part she hid behind me, cried, got angry, talked non-stop, didn't like that she didn't know how to do it, was worried it would be hard and was just too nervous to try. She did do a little stretching and then came right back to us. We did not now what to do. It made me want to cry. After this - we ran an errand and she was fine, then came a meltdown about dinner, then fine again, then a meltdown about her loose tooth. It needs to come out NOW but she is too scared it will hurt. She also wants it out because she is afraid she will swallow it. How do you solve a problem where both solutions cause worry??? Pulling - worry, leave it alone - worry.
I can tell some times this is done for attention ( the tooth incident just happened to occur right at bedtime) and I am trying not to buy in to the times where it is not "real" fear but a desire for attention. It is so hard sometimes to differentiate between attention-wanting and severe fear. I cannot allow her to control everything and act however she wants because I am scared it will produce more anxiety but I swear I don't know how to handle it! She has many of the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder except the main one - she is great in school. Now she will not speak up in class much but she enjoys school and does well in it. She has friends, all the staff think she is so well-spoken and sweet. They don't see the anxious child that talks obsessively about tornadoes and house fires; wanting to make sure I have a plan if either happen. She wants to know everything - we have to hid to discuss things because she will lurk just around the corner to find out what my husband and I are talking about.
I just want her to enjoy being a kid again instead of always worrying.
People tell me that I am so laid back, that I am good at handling things, that I give good advice. In most areas of my life - I would agree. When it comes to money and my daughter's issues - I am none of that. I am just scared.... and I am tired of being scared.
I learned to stop worrying - I used to worry about things at night preventing myself from having a good nights sleep. Once I had kids - I didn't want them to seem me worrying so I have tried to step back when something troubles me and decide if worrying will help or benefit me in any way. The answer is usually NO. I have discovered though that by not worrying, I almost live in a state of denial. My style of "thinking about it tomorrow" works but puts some things so far out of my mind that I don't effectively deal with them.
I am scared that our finances will never improve. My husband has a good job and he works so very hard to take care of us. The rising costs of everything and the addition of a 3rd child have made things so tight that it seems like every other week I am trying to book massages or sell something - anything to make sure we are ok. I will skip lunch during the week with the irrationally assumption that I am making the food last longer even though I always make sure we have food.
Part of me wants to find a job to take pressure off my husband and improve things while the other part knows that just about any job I could find around here would barely pay for daycare for a toddler and an infant. The last thing I want to is to ever make my husband feel like he isn't an awesome provider. This leads me to a irrational fear that one day he will wake up and realize that if he wasn't taking care of a wife and 3 kids - he would be doing pretty good. he would be able to buy things that he wants. I know this is irrational because he loves us all so much but it is still a fear in the back of my head.
It seems to happen a lot in the middle of the day - when I have no adult around to talk to and I am playing with the two little kids. A thought will go through my mind and I get scared. I will usually chase it away by having a mommy time out on the front porch. I know that I need to quit smoking, I want to quit smoking. It's not a good example for my kids, it's a waste of money, it's unhealthy but it's also the one thing that helps during the scary time. A smoke break and then a cuddle with my 3 year old (she is so sparkly that she is good at chasing any bad mood away).
I am scared for my 6 year old daughter. I am scared that I have messed her up and I don't know how. She used to be very carefree. She would talk to anyone and was so outgoing. Over the last two years she has become very anxious, scared to try things, and very prone to crying at the drop of the hat. Today we took her to try a martial arts class - you could tell she wanted to do it so so bad. For the most part she hid behind me, cried, got angry, talked non-stop, didn't like that she didn't know how to do it, was worried it would be hard and was just too nervous to try. She did do a little stretching and then came right back to us. We did not now what to do. It made me want to cry. After this - we ran an errand and she was fine, then came a meltdown about dinner, then fine again, then a meltdown about her loose tooth. It needs to come out NOW but she is too scared it will hurt. She also wants it out because she is afraid she will swallow it. How do you solve a problem where both solutions cause worry??? Pulling - worry, leave it alone - worry.
I can tell some times this is done for attention ( the tooth incident just happened to occur right at bedtime) and I am trying not to buy in to the times where it is not "real" fear but a desire for attention. It is so hard sometimes to differentiate between attention-wanting and severe fear. I cannot allow her to control everything and act however she wants because I am scared it will produce more anxiety but I swear I don't know how to handle it! She has many of the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder except the main one - she is great in school. Now she will not speak up in class much but she enjoys school and does well in it. She has friends, all the staff think she is so well-spoken and sweet. They don't see the anxious child that talks obsessively about tornadoes and house fires; wanting to make sure I have a plan if either happen. She wants to know everything - we have to hid to discuss things because she will lurk just around the corner to find out what my husband and I are talking about.
I just want her to enjoy being a kid again instead of always worrying.
People tell me that I am so laid back, that I am good at handling things, that I give good advice. In most areas of my life - I would agree. When it comes to money and my daughter's issues - I am none of that. I am just scared.... and I am tired of being scared.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Married.....With Children???? How did that happen?
Some days I wake up and wonder how I got here. I always knew I would have kids. I told people when I was 6 that I was going to be a mom when I grew up. When adults would ask me about getting married - I would say "why?"
I really never thought I would be married. My parents divorced when I was 9 and while I was sad, I was also old enough to recognize that it was probably the best decision. Granted it wasn't fun. I was one of the only kids in my class with divorced parents at the time. After the initial shock wore off - both parents were happier in the long run but one probably wouldn't admit it. I saw my mother doing everything and figured why should I bother ever getting married - I can do it all by myself.
I realized as I got older that it is nicer to have a partner to share the happy times and the bad but I still didn't think I would end up married. Now here I am - almost 7 years of marriage and 3 kids later. I love my husband dearly - I wouldn't trade him for the world. At the same time, I suck at marriage. The political, feminist part of my brain cannot believe sometimes that not only am I married but I am a housewife! I am not good at communicating when I want to do or plan things. I either don't do them or schedule them and then pass on the information when I should have an open discussion on plans. I think subconsciously I feel like I am asking permission.
I suck at asking for help. I try to do it all even to the point of interrupting my husband when he is doing something by trying to do it for him. My brain must be thoroughly confused because when I don't ask for help or have run him off from completing whatever task he was trying to do - I find later that I am ill that I have no help! I have always had a bad habit of trying to do it myself. When I was in AmeriCorps and was a team leader in charge of 14 others - instead of dictating various tasks that needed to be done, I would try to do it all. I think it came from a combination of:
1. If I do it then I know it will be done.
2. If I do it then I won't inconvenience anyone.
3. If I do it things will be more peaceful, everyone will love me and we will all be happy.
I knew as soon as that year ended that I should have done things differently and I would love to redo that year in a completely different way. While I recognize this for that period in my life, I find myself doing the exact same thing in my marriage. "He works hard all day, I shouldn't ask for any help." "The kids picked up a few toys so I will just do the rest so it is done faster."
I lack skills in getting things off my chest. I used to like to do it by writing letters. You can say a lot more in a letter - without worry of being interrupted/chastised/seeing eyes roll. When I found out that my husband hated when I wrote the soul bearing letters - I didn't stop but I cut back tremendously. Now I just don't get it off my chest. If it builds up too much, I find that I take it out on my kids. Talk about feeling like a tool! When I snap at my kids because I am mad at myself - I want to cry. I am capable enough to be alone with my children all day and make decisions for them. When the evening comes though and I am no longer a solo parent - I lose all my abilities. When my husband and I disagree on something to do with the kids, I do not try to make my point, or explain my rationale. I pout. Like a 9 year old kid. I.Must.Learn.Communication!
I have come a long way in some regards. I can't even describe how weird/scary/uncomfortable it was to be a stay at home mom at first. I totally felt that he had an income and I was completely broke. I got over that and worked through it - it took a couple of years and a couple of kids to realize that I was working too, I just didn't contribute a paycheck! I have not gotten better at keeping the house but I am trying. I want to learn to cook more because I enjoy it a lot of times. I want to learn communication skills and stress relieving techniques to calm my inner voices on the days where I feel like I am tending to 4 people and not tending to myself.
I see that my 9 year old brain that watched my parents divorce was affected more than I realized. The pouty, stubborn, easily hurt, emotional 9 year old part of my brain needs to be suppressed a bit so the 36 year old adult part of my brain can thrive in marriage and with kids!
I really never thought I would be married. My parents divorced when I was 9 and while I was sad, I was also old enough to recognize that it was probably the best decision. Granted it wasn't fun. I was one of the only kids in my class with divorced parents at the time. After the initial shock wore off - both parents were happier in the long run but one probably wouldn't admit it. I saw my mother doing everything and figured why should I bother ever getting married - I can do it all by myself.
I realized as I got older that it is nicer to have a partner to share the happy times and the bad but I still didn't think I would end up married. Now here I am - almost 7 years of marriage and 3 kids later. I love my husband dearly - I wouldn't trade him for the world. At the same time, I suck at marriage. The political, feminist part of my brain cannot believe sometimes that not only am I married but I am a housewife! I am not good at communicating when I want to do or plan things. I either don't do them or schedule them and then pass on the information when I should have an open discussion on plans. I think subconsciously I feel like I am asking permission.
I suck at asking for help. I try to do it all even to the point of interrupting my husband when he is doing something by trying to do it for him. My brain must be thoroughly confused because when I don't ask for help or have run him off from completing whatever task he was trying to do - I find later that I am ill that I have no help! I have always had a bad habit of trying to do it myself. When I was in AmeriCorps and was a team leader in charge of 14 others - instead of dictating various tasks that needed to be done, I would try to do it all. I think it came from a combination of:
1. If I do it then I know it will be done.
2. If I do it then I won't inconvenience anyone.
3. If I do it things will be more peaceful, everyone will love me and we will all be happy.
I knew as soon as that year ended that I should have done things differently and I would love to redo that year in a completely different way. While I recognize this for that period in my life, I find myself doing the exact same thing in my marriage. "He works hard all day, I shouldn't ask for any help." "The kids picked up a few toys so I will just do the rest so it is done faster."
I lack skills in getting things off my chest. I used to like to do it by writing letters. You can say a lot more in a letter - without worry of being interrupted/chastised/seeing eyes roll. When I found out that my husband hated when I wrote the soul bearing letters - I didn't stop but I cut back tremendously. Now I just don't get it off my chest. If it builds up too much, I find that I take it out on my kids. Talk about feeling like a tool! When I snap at my kids because I am mad at myself - I want to cry. I am capable enough to be alone with my children all day and make decisions for them. When the evening comes though and I am no longer a solo parent - I lose all my abilities. When my husband and I disagree on something to do with the kids, I do not try to make my point, or explain my rationale. I pout. Like a 9 year old kid. I.Must.Learn.Communication!
I have come a long way in some regards. I can't even describe how weird/scary/uncomfortable it was to be a stay at home mom at first. I totally felt that he had an income and I was completely broke. I got over that and worked through it - it took a couple of years and a couple of kids to realize that I was working too, I just didn't contribute a paycheck! I have not gotten better at keeping the house but I am trying. I want to learn to cook more because I enjoy it a lot of times. I want to learn communication skills and stress relieving techniques to calm my inner voices on the days where I feel like I am tending to 4 people and not tending to myself.
I see that my 9 year old brain that watched my parents divorce was affected more than I realized. The pouty, stubborn, easily hurt, emotional 9 year old part of my brain needs to be suppressed a bit so the 36 year old adult part of my brain can thrive in marriage and with kids!
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
A whole year? Really?
I was thinking today how I don't write anymore. I used to write all the time - stories, poems, scenes from plays. It's been a year since I even wrote something on here. I can't believe it. Granted this year has been super hectic but I owe it to myself to find that creative outlet at least occasionally! My goal is to do this at least once a week whether anyone actually reads it or not!
A summary of the past year:
My anxious 5 year old (Schmoo) is now an anxious 6 year old. Still obsessed with tornados but improving in other areas. She had a good kindergarten year and will be starting first grade day after tomorrow. In some ways she is better mostly because I have learned how to handle her worries. In some ways we have regressed but I guess each day is a step. She is so smart, so empathetic, so caring - I just want her to be a kid and leave the worry to me! When we find things that "make" her a 6 year old - we try to do them over and over. This past weekend the whole family went camping. At the park was a carousel. When G. rode it - her face was relaxed yet excited. My husband was so touched by how happy it made her that we all had to ride it the second time!
My 2 year old is now a very spirited 3 year old. She used to be the baby - now she has been given the title of The Middle Child. When she was an infant, her older sister showed her jealousy in ways we expected. Whenever anyone would play with Sugarbug - Schmoo would start saying "look at me" and find something to get the attention on her. Sugarbug has a different approach to this. When her baby brother is getting any attention, she doesn't try to get our attention - she tries to get his! She is literally and figuratively trying to smother him with love. She is always on him, touching him, singing (screaming) in his face, kissing and sometimes even hiding him under pillows! She has lost her fearlessness that she had last year. Now dogs and large boys scare her (the boy part from an evil neighbor who scared her). I hope this passes and some of her fearlessness returns - it was such an awesome light shining from her!
We have now added BooBoo bear to our family - an adorable, happy 7 month old boy who fills me up and drains me at the same time! We all love him so and I can't imagine life without him. He will be so protected by his big sisters that I feel sorry for future friends who are ever mean to him! He definitely has daddy's heart and my late night breastfeeding/covering his head with kisses sessions are something I look forward to no matter how sleepy I am.
This year has been tough learning to juggle a school aged child, a preschooler and a newborn but we have done it! We are thoroughly exhausted, surrounded by a house full of clutter (no time to fix any of that right now) and poorer than I have ever been in my life. At the same time - my heart is full. I am almost 37 years old but to me August/September is the start of the new year for me. I am eternally on a "school" schedule. I know this year is going to be great. The energy will return, the clutter will either slowly trickle out or take over, the money will improve, I will find time to express myself in some way and our lives will continue of this crazy, hectic journey.
A summary of the past year:
My anxious 5 year old (Schmoo) is now an anxious 6 year old. Still obsessed with tornados but improving in other areas. She had a good kindergarten year and will be starting first grade day after tomorrow. In some ways she is better mostly because I have learned how to handle her worries. In some ways we have regressed but I guess each day is a step. She is so smart, so empathetic, so caring - I just want her to be a kid and leave the worry to me! When we find things that "make" her a 6 year old - we try to do them over and over. This past weekend the whole family went camping. At the park was a carousel. When G. rode it - her face was relaxed yet excited. My husband was so touched by how happy it made her that we all had to ride it the second time!
My 2 year old is now a very spirited 3 year old. She used to be the baby - now she has been given the title of The Middle Child. When she was an infant, her older sister showed her jealousy in ways we expected. Whenever anyone would play with Sugarbug - Schmoo would start saying "look at me" and find something to get the attention on her. Sugarbug has a different approach to this. When her baby brother is getting any attention, she doesn't try to get our attention - she tries to get his! She is literally and figuratively trying to smother him with love. She is always on him, touching him, singing (screaming) in his face, kissing and sometimes even hiding him under pillows! She has lost her fearlessness that she had last year. Now dogs and large boys scare her (the boy part from an evil neighbor who scared her). I hope this passes and some of her fearlessness returns - it was such an awesome light shining from her!
We have now added BooBoo bear to our family - an adorable, happy 7 month old boy who fills me up and drains me at the same time! We all love him so and I can't imagine life without him. He will be so protected by his big sisters that I feel sorry for future friends who are ever mean to him! He definitely has daddy's heart and my late night breastfeeding/covering his head with kisses sessions are something I look forward to no matter how sleepy I am.
This year has been tough learning to juggle a school aged child, a preschooler and a newborn but we have done it! We are thoroughly exhausted, surrounded by a house full of clutter (no time to fix any of that right now) and poorer than I have ever been in my life. At the same time - my heart is full. I am almost 37 years old but to me August/September is the start of the new year for me. I am eternally on a "school" schedule. I know this year is going to be great. The energy will return, the clutter will either slowly trickle out or take over, the money will improve, I will find time to express myself in some way and our lives will continue of this crazy, hectic journey.
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