"You got to hold on, Hey you got to hold on...." - Alabama Shakes

When my husband and I were first together we were very cuddly. Every night in bed he would spoon me then after a bit we would both roll over and I would spoon him. Then when we were ready to sleep, we would separate. I remember wanting to be able to snuggle him all night but I just couldn't. I was so used to sleeping alone that it was hard for me to fall asleep unless I had rolled away.

Then we started having kids. The first did start out in a bassinet next to our bed but my eyesight is so awful with my contacts out that I would panic every night because I couldn't SEE her and see if she was breathing, in a good position, etc. That's how she ended up in the bed (and as a dedicated but lazy breastfeeding mama - i could doze while nursing her).

My husband and I still slept next to each other because he was afraid he would roll on her. Once she got older, she ended up in middle. Then came child #2. She never slept anywhere else but our bed. She would be on one side of me and #1 would be on the other. Hubby didn't mind them in the middle at this point because we discovered we slept better with them and didn't roll on them. Slept better when they were babies that is.

Child #3 also was/is a bed partner. For the longest time, he was the middle person in the bed. Some nights #1 would join up, the next night #2 or sometimes both. Even a king size bed does not seem very big with 5 people in it. Hubby and I have talked about it a lot and we don't plan on kicking them out of bed - it's a safe, warm place for them. Plus I have always thought it was weird that Mommy and Daddy can go to bed together and have someone to snuggle, curl up next to after a bad dream, and just feel comfort that someone is near  - yet we send small children (with vivid imaginations) to bed alone.

There are nights where we don't enjoy it, especially with legs getting longer each day but as long as they do not come in too early - we are still fine with it. We have changed things though.

My husband and I had a few months that were a little rough. It was just easier to distance ourselves rather than paying attention to what each other needed. The funny thing is the more you focus on your own needs and not on your partners - the less support and affection you both get. You are too busy feeling ignored to actually pay attention to the other person! We decided to change that and it has been wonderful. A big change has been nighttime cuddles.

We have been going to bed at the same time more often and when we do, #3 is moved over to the side of the bed. If the other two wander in at some point, we tell them "climb on in! - beside your brother." Sometimes there are complaints about wanting to be next me but I am telling them "You get a lot of my time and attention during the day, it's daddy's turn now."

Now my husband and I are next to each other. We are making our relationship a priority and paying attention to the fact that we need each others attention. We don't want to get to that place again.

Every night in bed he spoons me then after a bit we both roll over and I spoon him. The difference now is we don't roll apart. Whether it's because we don't get to give each other a lot of attention during the day, subconscious worries that if we let go, we might drift apart again, or because we have found our safe, warm place - the reason doesn't matter.

What is important is now we hold on to each other until morning and even then it's hard to let go....

"Listen To Your Mother" is not just a show, it is an Experience.

I am such a bundle of emotions right now (which makes me prone to overusing adjectives and even wordier than usual). Tonight was the "Listen To Your Mother" show. It was so magical, powerful, validating, wonderful, emotional, raw, truthful and real.

It's been a long time since I felt a part of something that meant so much to me. I have been looking forward to this for a while and now that it's done - I feel completely overwhelmed with feelings:

I am so proud to have been a part of the inaugural show in the Raleigh-Durham area.

I am so honored to have been a part of something that had so many remarkable people in it.

I am so elated with how well my piece went over with the audience.

I am so humbled by the comments from family, friends and complete strangers.

I am so very sad that it is over.

I feel like I am in mourning yet I am high on a cloud at the same time. I want to laugh at how remarkable this all was. I want to dance from the thrill of being on stage again (a stage that I performed on many times in college and haven't stood on in almost 20 years). I want to sing from the joy it gave me to hear that I struck a chord with people I have never met that came up to me after the show to comment on my piece. I want to cry because I don't want any of these feelings to end.

I am writing this down to hold myself accountable. This has inspired me to find my writing voice again, to find ways to perform again, to find me. Even though my time with "Listen To Your Mother" is over - I will find ways to create these feelings in my life.

Plus I am not sure of the rules regarding submitting a written piece to LTYM next year - but I will keep trying every year in the hopes of doing it again one day - but next time I will stay longer at the after party!!

The saying "Things are better left unsaid" is bull shit - now my unsaid things are leaking out!

To whom it may concern: (i.e. family, friends, acquaintances)
Yes I do realize that I am 38 - is there a rule that I can't have pink streaks in my hair past a certain age? I certainly thought that by this age, I wouldn't have to worry as much about parental approval for whatever I was doing. I thought I would just be accepted for who I was.

Please don't pat my stomach pooch and say "Someone has a little tummy" when
a) you weigh more than me
b) I have lost quite a bit and don't want or plan on losing another pound
c) I have 3 freaking kids! I am supposed to have a little pooch. I look at it as my little kangaroo pouch - it will never be flat but it will never be unloved. Two of my kids rub and jiggle and nuzzle my poochy belly whenever they feel bad, are sleepy or just want comfort in general.

I know you do not like seams, I understand that you have sensitivities to certain things in clothes. This is NOT an excuse to take 20 minutes to put on socks - i already buy you the most seamless ones I can find.

I love you more than words can say but if I hear "Watch me, Mommy" one more time today - my brain will explode. One can only watch someone try to stand on their head so many times in one day!

You are adorable. You are sweet and loving. I adore you. Please stop kicking me when changing your clothes, pinching when you don't get your way, and wrapping gum around your head. I really want you to make it to three!

Hiding things from me is the worst thing you can do. It causes me to doubt you, to doubt everything, to be suspicious. I deserve a little more credit for my reactions to things. My reaction to whatever will be way better that my reaction to you hiding something. 

If I have pissed you off - tell me. If I am frustrating the hell out of you - tell me.  Pissy looks, not speaking, etc. doesn't do either of us any good. You don't feel any better, I don't understand what is bothering you so much. If it has nothing to do with me - great - TELL ME (see the common theme here?)

I value our friendship. Please understand that your kids are older - they don't mind you not being around. Mine are young - they like for me to be home for bedtime and quite frankly I like being there for bedtime. If I seem hesitant to do stuff in the evenings it's not that I don't want to go out and do stuff. It's that I am torn between the two. Don't make it worse.

If you ask me for advice, I will gladly do what I can. If you don't want advice, I will do what I can. If you want advice about the same thing over&over&over&over&over again - I give up because it's obvious you didn't really want or use the advice the first 12 times so I know you aren't going to this time either.

I am finally reaching the point in my life where I am busy enough to want to let go of things that hold me down. I tend to be loyal to a fault. Even when I have been wronged, walked on, ignored - I have remained loyal. I don't have time for that anymore. If I have supported you and cared about you through whatever and do not feel like I am receiving that support and care from you then you need to think of me as an underwire bra. One second it's supportive and holding you up but if it's not taken care of - SNAP - you will be left hanging.

On a lighter note - some of these may not be recent thoughts but I am in the mood to do some spring cleaning and it is easier to clean out my brain than to clean out my house!!

Let's get ready to rumble...

I have had a few days (weeks) of stuck-in-your-own-head-over-thinking-everything. Why can't things come to you a little faster sometimes??

I can be quite sensitive which surprises some people. Usually in public I control my emotions pretty well - almost to the point of some people thinking I am not emotional enough. I can be at a funeral or something stressful and I tend to "Do" rather than "Feel". Put me with people whose approval and validation I crave and I tend to cry at anything.

I have been very emotional lately and trying to sort out a lot of stress in my family life. Events in the past few months have stressed everyone and I am learning how to best take care of each of them. I also started looking at what was stressing me and what I was needing. I have been craving affection and closeness with my partner - I had distanced myself because of being overwhelmed by the kids, not feeling appreciated, feeling lonely and like I had to do it all by myself. I had distanced myself because if I hadn't done so and told myself that he needed that space to deal with some things - I probably would have blown up about wanting more help at home and with the kids.

I know now that one of the most important things I need to do is learn to ask for help. I need to say "Hey can you take care of this while I am doing this?" instead of waiting for him to read my mind!

I Need the affection I have been distancing myself from. He needs it too. My kids need us to have it. It wasn't that I didn't want it - it was just easier to keep my feelings under wraps because I wasn't sure at the time if my affections were wanted, if they would be welcomed. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid things than to work on them. I am done with easy. I am ready for a fight. I am ready to make him a priority. I am ready to make me a priority. I love my kids but I cannot solely focus on them to the detriment of other things in my life.

Growing up, my parents divorced when I was 9. While my mother was a very capable, intelligent woman - I still saw how hard the divorce was on her. Afterwards she was intent on showing me how to use tools and do things on my own so I wouldn't have to "depend on a man". I think it sunk in a little too deep in that I have always tried to do everything myself and get very frustrated when I cannot do something and have to ask for help. In fact - I really thought for the longest time that I would never marry. I would have kids but if I stayed single - I would never have to go through a divorce.

Obviously the idea of staying single changed. I wouldn't trade my husband for anything in the world and I treasure my marriage very much. It has taken years for me to be comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I always wanted to stay home with them and avoid daycare. I have a husband that supported that desire but it's been so difficult to accept it in my brain because I felt like I should be bringing in income. I have always worried my crappy housekeeping skills are aggravating to him after long days at work.

I have also come to realize that I keep doing things for people that I would appreciate and not necessarily what they appreciate. I love little fun texts, posts of Facebook, a random caring email. When I do that for someone and don't get a response, then I get my feelings hurt. Finally it slapped me in the face that just because I liked those - it doesn't mean the person I am sending them to like them. I guess figuring out what makes others feel loved and appreciated is one of the best things you can do for any relationship!

So I have my boxing gloves on, my hands are up and I am ready for whatever is thrown at me!

TWO

I have been reflecting a lot lately on what I have done (and mostly on what I haven't done) in my life thus far. I have noticed that the number 2 is a prominent thing in my life. I have always had a thing for even numbers although I have a fondness for the number 7 (but only in the past 10 years) and I have always had really good luck on Friday the 13th. It would bother me if I had the rare incidence of not sneezing twice and little things like that.
-From Kindergarten to high school graduation I attended two schools
-I went to two colleges
-My dorm room the first two years of college was on the second floor
-My last two years of college, I lived in 2 apartments
-I served in Americorps NCCC for 2 years and my team was Blue 2
-I worked for the Corporation for National Service for 2 years
-I worked for Ipas for 2 years
-I wanted and had 2 girls

Lately something feels off. Is it because I have actually lived somewhere longer than 2 years? In between some of the 2 year stints, I stayed places for less than two years but until we bought our house - I hadn't lived in a place longer than 2 years since I left my childhood home! I have lived in the same place for 6 years this time!

Did I mess up my even number mojo with the third child? Should I have only had 2 or was I supposed to have 4 and there really should have been 2 girls and 2 boys?

Every job I have had since college has been for 2 years or less - some of these I had no control over so it isn't me being bored and needing to switch after two years. Technically I have worked as a massage therapist for 9 years but it has been so part time that the total amount of work probably doesn't measure up to 2 years.

My oldest was 2 when I got pregnant with my middle child who was 2 when I got pregnant with my third (who is now two). I seem to feel restless when they turn two. The age of two drives me batty - you can't reason with them but they are fiercely independent. I am not having the feelings of loss with my boy being two the way I did with the girls - mourning their passing babyhood. I am sad to see him growing so fast but there isn't any baby lust this time.
At the same time something still feels off!

Very rarely does an even number - especially a 2- not feel right to me. It has happened though. We used to have one sofa in our living room. It was a large L-shaped and we didn't have room for any other chairs. Now we have a regular couch and a recliner. While I love the new furniture - having 2 separate pieces instead of one has left me feeling very lonely and disconnected. Now my husband is all the way across the room instead of right near me. Ignoring each other and staring at our computers is easier and now it feels like we are in our own little worlds that are quite far apart from each other. 

Maybe I a reading too much into the number 2 or maybe I am just looking for answers to my restless, uneasy feeling.
Not sure but hopefully this 2 will pass...

After a fire comes a rebirth - I'm just waiting for the smoke to clear.

Once again I want to blog and realize it's been over a year since I last did so. I am not going to promise myself that will change. I am not going to promise to faithfully write every day, week or month. Hell I may have even said this before. All I know is that I love to write, I like the idea that other people might read/follow/enjoy/get pissed off/cry at something I have written, and I NEED this outlet.

I had a big "Holy Shit - that totally describes it" moment today. I am in mourning. I have been in mourning for a while and seem to find new things to add to the list. In November my Mother in Law passed away.  I avoided mourning my MIL by focusing on how my husband was feeling (not that he would share with me but I watched him closely) and helping my kids deal with it.

I realized today that there were many things I was mourning that ranged from major to rather silly. Obviously my MIL is on top of the list. It was very difficult because I loved my MIL, I didn't feel like I had enough time with her and her death made it real to me that my parents won't always be here. Mostly though it broke my heart that my husband, at only 48, has already lost both of his parents.

I am in mourning for people I love. There have been many friends dealing with extreme illness - their own, their parents, their kids.  Friends who have endured grief that I can not fathom. Some live so far away from me which makes it so hard when I have days where I feel like I would sell a body part just to be able to give them a hug.

I am mourning the passing of time involving my kids :
My youngest stopped breastfeeding on his own a few months ago. My last nursling will occasionally grab my chest and say "awww boobies". I thought I would be glad when my body was just mine again - in the past 8 years I have had a child attached to that part of my body for over 5 years of that time! I feel a little lost...

I am mourning that my 5 year old who will start Kindergarten soon. I mourn that the carefree part of childhood is ending. She is having a rough time lately - a big case of middle child. She is constantly yelling "Mommy look at me, LOOK at me!" I do need to look at her more - the problem is if I take my eyes off the 2 yr who knows what could happen. My 8 year old  teeters between acting like a little teenager and a 5 year old. Some days I can handle it all with a smile and other days I lose my shit.

There are little things I am mourning. The small gas station in my town owned by a sweet Indian family closed last month and I felt so sad. It was type of place that would let you get gas on Wednesday and pay for it on Thursday if they knew you. At least once a week the owner would slip me lollipops or gum for the kids - sometimes even popsicles.

I am in mourning for the woman I used to be. The one that had interests and hobbies that didn't involve kids. I don't remember how I spent my time before children but I know I enjoyed parts of it! I just want to be able to find that woman every once in a while and see life through my own eyes instead of my "mother" eyes. Let's get it straight - I treasure being a mom. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. It's ok to want to not be with them sometimes.

I am in mourning for my marriage - for what it used to be. When we had time to really focus on each other. When we used to talk and listen to each other. For the time when if I was in tears - I would be asked what was wrong or at the very least given a hug instead of having my tears greeted with exasperation. I don't want presents or flowers brought home. I just want to be asked how my day was or how I'm doing and know that my answer will not only be heard but ingested.

I think I am mostly mourning all the changes. I like change - it's refreshing, it wakes you up. I just wasn't prepared for so many things to change all at once. Once I learn the best way to adapt to all these changes, I know the uphill climb will level off for a bit. The day to day will coast along rather than feel like a struggle - at least until the next round of changes come.

It get's old...

Most of the time I don't really care what other people think. Most of the time. Then every once in a while a week happens where I am sensitive to everything that I pick up from other people. This is one of those weeks. If one more person makes me feel like I can't do anything right, I am going to lose.my.shit... I know that some of it comes from dealing with sick kidlets for 3 weeks, being tired, other life stresses but I am going to blow soon.
Crappy looks :
because I came into a room and talked when someone was watching t.v.,
because I tried to start conversations when I guess the other person doesn't want to converse (I spend a great deal of time during the day only talking to people under 5 feet tall, I need other conversation!)
Comments like:
Why are you going this way (because I am the one who is driving damn it - you want to go that way, you drive)

You spoil your baby, he wants to be held all the time (guess what? MY baby, I don't think you CAN spoil a baby, none of YOUR fucking business)

I have heard others tell me how I Need to do this, Need not to do that, Should do it this way, Why do you do it that way, You need to get some time to yourself (then watch my kids and I will), etc, etc.

No my house is not as clean as I want it, no I don't cook the way I want to sometimes, no I am not doing it the way you think is best!

I do talk to much, I am opinionated, I have a bad habit of reading news online and wanting to share it with people just to have a conversation.

I feel things very deeply and people who are cold and seemingly uncaring to the world piss me off sometimes. I feel it is either an act so people won't realize just how insecure you are or you really are that dead inside and need to wake the hell up
I am a Libra - I crave balance and try to keep things even/happy/calm. But some people have tipped my scales! Those of you who criticize are not perfect but I don't usually point out your flaws. I may prepare an awesome speech in my head about such flaws (usually when you are pointing out mine) but I don't share them.

I cannot promise that this will be the case from now on - I think I need to give advice/constructive criticism/crappy comments back to those who are a little too happy to talk down but be warned, when i give it back - it's coming back twice as hard. Very few have seen how truly bitchy I can be - the bitch in my brain has been working out and may be ready for her close up!