Does It Have To Be Real?

This past week has been very emotional. The "new normal" of bad things in the news. Hearing about struggles that friends are having to go through. One friend who has already survived cancer is having major surgery (but hopefully won't hurt anymore afterwards). Another friend lost a child very late in pregnancy after enduring more loss in the past few years than anyone should ever have to endure. In my own life some one very very dear to me has been diagnosed with cirrhosis. Not from drinking or risky behaviors not that that would make it any easier to accept. This person is a loving, hard working person who adores their family and just doesn't deserve to deal with a disease in which the only cure is a liver transplant.
Some days it's hard to get up in the morning when you are afraid the day will bring more bad news. You want to scream "WHY?" Why does it feel like wonderful people have to go through such hell when there are so many evil people that coast through.

 I know every person in the world has their struggles to go through. Life is full of ups and downs. You have to weather the storm to appreciate the rainbow. Its the continuous storm with no sign of a rainbow that takes its toll.

Hard times are a part of life but it doesn't make the anger less real.
Or the worry of the unknown less real.
Or the sadness the real.
Or the struggle less real.

Finding Comfort

Comfort is a weird thing. It is so personal yet needed by everyone. Comfort can be found wrapped in the arms of a favorite old sweater, in the wet, dirty kiss from your three year old, from a late night snuggle from your partner. I find comfort daily in my husband, my kids and little things. The comfort I struggle to find right now is deep in my core. I live constantly overstimulated by kids/life/thoughts and ill at ease with myself. The closer I get to 40, the more I realize that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. When I was twenty I couldn't set my sights on anything because there were so many things that caught my attention. So many things I wanted to accomplish. So many that I ended up doing very few of them. I can't say I regret things I did or didn't do because I know had anything changed in my life - the things that mean the most to me right now would not be the same. I wouldn't have the same husband or the same kids if my life had taken a different direction. The issue is that now I don't have a direction.

Three years ago I finally got someone to believe that I had issues focusing. I was given Adderal and it was so much more helpful than I ever thought possible. When we had a period of no health insurance, I had to stop taking it due to financial reasons. Now I am thinking I need to find someone in this state who will believe me again. Today I found myself, armed with a to-do list, walking around in a circle because i couldn't focus on any of the tasks. I often wonder how things would have been had I started the medicine while in college.
Regardless of my inability to focus, I am still trying to find my calling. The only things beside motherhood that have ever really grabbed the attention of my mind and my heart were Americorps and working for a women's reproductive health non-profit. I know that whatever I do needs to be something where I feel like I am making a difference to someone. I need to help others as a career and by doing that - I will also help myself find the comfort I need.

I asked for things to change - and boy did I get it!!

Since posting last in November, life has changed. A lot.
My children ended up having a wonderful Christmas thanks to friends and family who made it magical. I don't know what I would have done without their love and support. December was hectic and went by quickly, January was busy with packing a house while hubby was in another state, February was full of unpacking, March-April-and now May - it has taken this long to realize that I haven't been writing and I miss it.

In January my husband took a new job. Better pay, better benefits. Only we had to move away from all our friends and family. 8 hours away from those family and friends. Two states away. We are now in the lovely state of Georgia.

It's been interesting. The kids seem to be thriving. They are doing well in school, making friends, and have adjusted better than I even expected.

Hubby's job is going ok. I know it is exhausting for him. He doesn't have an office so he works from his truck/home and has had to get used to making sure he has everything with him. I know he is frustrated a lot and hoping he made the right choice.

As for me - i haven't found my spot yet.

I feel like I don’t really exist here. In NC I was a preschool teacher, a massage therapist, a friend, a daughter, a dance mom, kindergarten room mom, local girl. I had a history. I had a support group. I had friends. I had extended family.

Here my children are doing well. Our living space is better. Our finances are better. 

I am not better. 

Not yet.

 I have great neighbors who are very helpful and I really like them. I miss my friends though. I miss my girls that I could call and say hey lets get lunch and vent for a while. I don’t have a purpose other than my kids. I know for some that would be enough. Maybe I need to make it enough. I fell like I am losing a bit of myself every day. I don’t feel like I can talk to my mom about it because then she worries and misses us more.

I don’t feel I can talk to my husband about it because he is working so hard. Long days, long drives, coming home sprayed with foul smelling stuff and having to think about all the little parts of work he has to remember since he doesn’t have an office. I don’t feel like I should trouble him. I need to get a life in every sense of the word. I need to find a way to earn a little money so I feel like I am contributing to our family, to our life, to my own brain. I need to make a name for myself even in a small group so I gain some identity back. 

Because right now I feel so lost that I am worried I won't be found.

I have been consumed with making sure everyone else is adjusting ok and is happy. With making our rental house a home. With getting used to our new surrounding. I forgot to take a little time to look up things for me to do.

I can do this - I just need to take the time.

Today I woke up poor....and grateful.

Today I woke up poor.
Now I didn't wake up with any less money than I had yesterday, but I woke up to the reality of the situation. After finally turning off my brain and falling asleep around 3 am - I woke up at 4 am to realize that I was poor. I realized that we needed toilet paper, paper towels, and tampons. I realized that after putting gas in my husband's car so he could get to work this week - we would only be able to afford one of those items. I told my brain to shut up, that I would figure it out in the morning and to let me go back to sleep.

Today I woke up to reality.
Your reality is what you make of it. A year or two ago - I thought we were poor. We lived paycheck to paycheck. This wasn't anything new. I grew up that way. I knew we weren't rich but I never felt anything other than "regular". I remember thinking a year ago that things could get worse but at the time it seemed unreal. Until it happened. Now I am having to reinvent our reality and persuade my children to accept a new reality but that it doesn't have to be all negative. No we can't go to the roller skating event for your school because it costs too much but we can go to the botanical gardens and take a great walk all together. You can help think of creative dinners based on what is in the pantry. No I don't mind if you just want cereal for dinner.

Today I woke up a bad mom.
 I have learned that there is a direct correlation between the amount of money in the bank and the level at which my voice rises through the day. It is not constant bad mom-ness but I find that when I am trying to sort my thoughts and figure things out, it doesn't take very much to see the bad side.

Today I woke up aware.
 I am completely aware that there are so many people who are in a much worse position than I. A friend mentioned that I should put our name on the angel tree at school so the kids would get stuff for Christmas. I can't do it. My kids will have Christmas presents from relatives - whether they get anything from us. They will be ok. They have clothes to wear that fit and toys to play with. I have seen the kids at their school that have neither. They deserve to have their names on the angel tree - we don't. I am aware that yes - things could indeed get even worse but I have such hope that they will get better.

Today I woke up grateful.
I am grateful that we have a house and the lights are still on. I am grateful I have been able to pay enough of the cable bill to keep them happy. I am grateful that I was able to fill up my husband's car. I am grateful that my children can forgive and sometimes forget my bad mom-ness. I am grateful that pancake mix is very cheap and my kids love pancakes.....at least for now!  I am grateful that my mother was told to take the paper products from a job that was ending and she was able to give me two rolls of paper towels and three rolls of toilet paper. I am grateful that I still went to the dollar store instead of the grocery store because that way I still had a few dollars left enabling the toothfairy to visit tonight. I am grateful our toothfairy has always given just a dollar (well two for the first tooth but only a dollar after that) and that she never got sucked in to all the hoopla I see online about kids receiving toys, extravagant presents and five or ten dollars per tooth. If that had happened, we would have been screwed right now. I am grateful I am able to turn off the part of my brain that prefers certain brands of toilet paper and tampons. I am grateful that this morning I needed both and tonight I have both.

I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for my kids.
I am grateful that I am upright and breathing.

Tomorrow I will be grateful that there doesn't appear to be anything toxic in dollar store tampons and I survived the night. (Ok so I can't completely turn off the brand preference....)!

Coming back from the edge.....

In case you noticed (or not) my blog used to be called "Musings of an (In)Sane Life". This past spring insane hit a little too close to home and I couldn't stomach the title any longer. I haven't posted since May because this past spring I lost my mind. In March I started taking Welbutrin to quit smoking. My husband quit 5 years ago and I wanted to be good to me. I say Welbutrin but it was the generic form (which after doing some research means it is really "close" but not exactly the same). I was told to take it for 2-3 months before quitting and then to take it for a few months after. Within the first week positive things were happening. I really didn't want to smoke as often. I didn't feel the need. Another positive was it increased my libido - WHOA, wasnt' expecting that one! It was an unexpected side effect. I felt like a 15 year old boy and lucky for me my husband was a good sport ;). The increase in physical contact came at a needed time in our relationship where I was trying to increase intimacy anyway. After a few weeks though, the negative effects started showing although I didn't connect them to the medicine until the end of June.

When I first started taking it, I was not depressed. Tired? sure. But not depressed. I have always been an emotional person but a lot of people didn't see it. I was never one to cry in front of people when I was sad - at least not often. When bad things happened, I could hold it together pretty well until I was in a comfortable place. People would see me cry at happy occasions because I was overwhelmed with emotion. Family events, my wedding (started crying the minute I started down the aisle), reading an essay on motherhood in front of an audience and the birth of my kids. I would cry at sappy songs that reminded me of things. After about a month on the medication, I started to cry. I cried at anything and everything for about 5 weeks straight. Everything stressed me out, I became severely insecure about my looks, my mind, my marriage, my parenting skills - everything. I doubted everything about myself, about my life. I was anxious all day. I had many mornings while driving my daughter to school that my heart would start racing and I would think "What the hell? I am having a panic attack!" I had never had one of those before. Nothing about taking her to school stressed me out and there was never anything after dropoff that I was dreading. I could not figure it out.

I have always rolled with the punches pretty well when plans would change or stressful things came up during the day. Not that they wouldn't stress me but I could usually find the humor in them. Suddenly the smallest thing like a spilled drink or a leaky poopy diaper would sned me into the bathroom where I would sit on the floor and sob. I was so scared because I thought I was losing my mind and I didn't understand why. My family knew I was crying all the time - crying so much that it became an aggravation rather than a concern. None of them ever knew how petrified I really was about what was going on in my head. The final straw was on the first of July. I had felt stressed about various things all day and I ended up sitting outside in the pouring rain crying for over an hour and wanting to run away because I thought everyone who knew me would be better off if I did. That night in bed, I couldn't sleep. I ran through everything in my head trying to figure out where my mind had gone, why was it gone and where the hell did this depression come from. The next morning I started researching Welbutrin and the generic form. Guess what I found?

This drug, while used on many to treat depression, also had been documented as causing severe depression and anxiety in those using it for reasons other than depression. This was more common for the generic form and the depression ranged from pretty severe to debilitating to extreme suicidal thoughts. The more I read, the more convinced I was that this medicine was the problem. I called the pharmacist immediately and talked to her about how to go off safely and how long it would take to get out of my system. I felt a bit better within a few days and felt close to normal by the end of the month. I knew I was getting better because of my reactions to things that were happening (extreme house issues, flooding, new job for spouse, financial issues but all that is a future blog!) I really don't know if I could have made it through all that in the condition I had been in.

I no longer cry at everything. I don't feel like I am about to dehydrate from the outpouring of emotion. I am not hiding in the bathroom anymore (or hitting walls or having panic attacks or wanting to run away). I am glad my friends and family didn't turn their back on me during all that but I really wish I had communicated my fears a little better so they could have understood how bad off I really was.
No I have not quit smoking....yet. I have been focusing on getting my mind back. As soon as I finish my mental "spring cleaning" and have gotten the cobwebs out - I will get back on track (sans medicine)!

"You got to hold on, Hey you got to hold on...." - Alabama Shakes

When my husband and I were first together we were very cuddly. Every night in bed he would spoon me then after a bit we would both roll over and I would spoon him. Then when we were ready to sleep, we would separate. I remember wanting to be able to snuggle him all night but I just couldn't. I was so used to sleeping alone that it was hard for me to fall asleep unless I had rolled away.

Then we started having kids. The first did start out in a bassinet next to our bed but my eyesight is so awful with my contacts out that I would panic every night because I couldn't SEE her and see if she was breathing, in a good position, etc. That's how she ended up in the bed (and as a dedicated but lazy breastfeeding mama - i could doze while nursing her).

My husband and I still slept next to each other because he was afraid he would roll on her. Once she got older, she ended up in middle. Then came child #2. She never slept anywhere else but our bed. She would be on one side of me and #1 would be on the other. Hubby didn't mind them in the middle at this point because we discovered we slept better with them and didn't roll on them. Slept better when they were babies that is.

Child #3 also was/is a bed partner. For the longest time, he was the middle person in the bed. Some nights #1 would join up, the next night #2 or sometimes both. Even a king size bed does not seem very big with 5 people in it. Hubby and I have talked about it a lot and we don't plan on kicking them out of bed - it's a safe, warm place for them. Plus I have always thought it was weird that Mommy and Daddy can go to bed together and have someone to snuggle, curl up next to after a bad dream, and just feel comfort that someone is near  - yet we send small children (with vivid imaginations) to bed alone.

There are nights where we don't enjoy it, especially with legs getting longer each day but as long as they do not come in too early - we are still fine with it. We have changed things though.

My husband and I had a few months that were a little rough. It was just easier to distance ourselves rather than paying attention to what each other needed. The funny thing is the more you focus on your own needs and not on your partners - the less support and affection you both get. You are too busy feeling ignored to actually pay attention to the other person! We decided to change that and it has been wonderful. A big change has been nighttime cuddles.

We have been going to bed at the same time more often and when we do, #3 is moved over to the side of the bed. If the other two wander in at some point, we tell them "climb on in! - beside your brother." Sometimes there are complaints about wanting to be next me but I am telling them "You get a lot of my time and attention during the day, it's daddy's turn now."

Now my husband and I are next to each other. We are making our relationship a priority and paying attention to the fact that we need each others attention. We don't want to get to that place again.

Every night in bed he spoons me then after a bit we both roll over and I spoon him. The difference now is we don't roll apart. Whether it's because we don't get to give each other a lot of attention during the day, subconscious worries that if we let go, we might drift apart again, or because we have found our safe, warm place - the reason doesn't matter.

What is important is now we hold on to each other until morning and even then it's hard to let go....

"Listen To Your Mother" is not just a show, it is an Experience.

I am such a bundle of emotions right now (which makes me prone to overusing adjectives and even wordier than usual). Tonight was the "Listen To Your Mother" show. It was so magical, powerful, validating, wonderful, emotional, raw, truthful and real.

It's been a long time since I felt a part of something that meant so much to me. I have been looking forward to this for a while and now that it's done - I feel completely overwhelmed with feelings:

I am so proud to have been a part of the inaugural show in the Raleigh-Durham area.

I am so honored to have been a part of something that had so many remarkable people in it.

I am so elated with how well my piece went over with the audience.

I am so humbled by the comments from family, friends and complete strangers.

I am so very sad that it is over.

I feel like I am in mourning yet I am high on a cloud at the same time. I want to laugh at how remarkable this all was. I want to dance from the thrill of being on stage again (a stage that I performed on many times in college and haven't stood on in almost 20 years). I want to sing from the joy it gave me to hear that I struck a chord with people I have never met that came up to me after the show to comment on my piece. I want to cry because I don't want any of these feelings to end.

I am writing this down to hold myself accountable. This has inspired me to find my writing voice again, to find ways to perform again, to find me. Even though my time with "Listen To Your Mother" is over - I will find ways to create these feelings in my life.

Plus I am not sure of the rules regarding submitting a written piece to LTYM next year - but I will keep trying every year in the hopes of doing it again one day - but next time I will stay longer at the after party!!

The saying "Things are better left unsaid" is bull shit - now my unsaid things are leaking out!

To whom it may concern: (i.e. family, friends, acquaintances)
Yes I do realize that I am 38 - is there a rule that I can't have pink streaks in my hair past a certain age? I certainly thought that by this age, I wouldn't have to worry as much about parental approval for whatever I was doing. I thought I would just be accepted for who I was.

Please don't pat my stomach pooch and say "Someone has a little tummy" when
a) you weigh more than me
b) I have lost quite a bit and don't want or plan on losing another pound
c) I have 3 freaking kids! I am supposed to have a little pooch. I look at it as my little kangaroo pouch - it will never be flat but it will never be unloved. Two of my kids rub and jiggle and nuzzle my poochy belly whenever they feel bad, are sleepy or just want comfort in general.

I know you do not like seams, I understand that you have sensitivities to certain things in clothes. This is NOT an excuse to take 20 minutes to put on socks - i already buy you the most seamless ones I can find.

I love you more than words can say but if I hear "Watch me, Mommy" one more time today - my brain will explode. One can only watch someone try to stand on their head so many times in one day!

You are adorable. You are sweet and loving. I adore you. Please stop kicking me when changing your clothes, pinching when you don't get your way, and wrapping gum around your head. I really want you to make it to three!

Hiding things from me is the worst thing you can do. It causes me to doubt you, to doubt everything, to be suspicious. I deserve a little more credit for my reactions to things. My reaction to whatever will be way better that my reaction to you hiding something. 

If I have pissed you off - tell me. If I am frustrating the hell out of you - tell me.  Pissy looks, not speaking, etc. doesn't do either of us any good. You don't feel any better, I don't understand what is bothering you so much. If it has nothing to do with me - great - TELL ME (see the common theme here?)

I value our friendship. Please understand that your kids are older - they don't mind you not being around. Mine are young - they like for me to be home for bedtime and quite frankly I like being there for bedtime. If I seem hesitant to do stuff in the evenings it's not that I don't want to go out and do stuff. It's that I am torn between the two. Don't make it worse.

If you ask me for advice, I will gladly do what I can. If you don't want advice, I will do what I can. If you want advice about the same thing over&over&over&over&over again - I give up because it's obvious you didn't really want or use the advice the first 12 times so I know you aren't going to this time either.

I am finally reaching the point in my life where I am busy enough to want to let go of things that hold me down. I tend to be loyal to a fault. Even when I have been wronged, walked on, ignored - I have remained loyal. I don't have time for that anymore. If I have supported you and cared about you through whatever and do not feel like I am receiving that support and care from you then you need to think of me as an underwire bra. One second it's supportive and holding you up but if it's not taken care of - SNAP - you will be left hanging.

On a lighter note - some of these may not be recent thoughts but I am in the mood to do some spring cleaning and it is easier to clean out my brain than to clean out my house!!

Let's get ready to rumble...

I have had a few days (weeks) of stuck-in-your-own-head-over-thinking-everything. Why can't things come to you a little faster sometimes??

I can be quite sensitive which surprises some people. Usually in public I control my emotions pretty well - almost to the point of some people thinking I am not emotional enough. I can be at a funeral or something stressful and I tend to "Do" rather than "Feel". Put me with people whose approval and validation I crave and I tend to cry at anything.

I have been very emotional lately and trying to sort out a lot of stress in my family life. Events in the past few months have stressed everyone and I am learning how to best take care of each of them. I also started looking at what was stressing me and what I was needing. I have been craving affection and closeness with my partner - I had distanced myself because of being overwhelmed by the kids, not feeling appreciated, feeling lonely and like I had to do it all by myself. I had distanced myself because if I hadn't done so and told myself that he needed that space to deal with some things - I probably would have blown up about wanting more help at home and with the kids.

I know now that one of the most important things I need to do is learn to ask for help. I need to say "Hey can you take care of this while I am doing this?" instead of waiting for him to read my mind!

I Need the affection I have been distancing myself from. He needs it too. My kids need us to have it. It wasn't that I didn't want it - it was just easier to keep my feelings under wraps because I wasn't sure at the time if my affections were wanted, if they would be welcomed. Sometimes it's just easier to avoid things than to work on them. I am done with easy. I am ready for a fight. I am ready to make him a priority. I am ready to make me a priority. I love my kids but I cannot solely focus on them to the detriment of other things in my life.

Growing up, my parents divorced when I was 9. While my mother was a very capable, intelligent woman - I still saw how hard the divorce was on her. Afterwards she was intent on showing me how to use tools and do things on my own so I wouldn't have to "depend on a man". I think it sunk in a little too deep in that I have always tried to do everything myself and get very frustrated when I cannot do something and have to ask for help. In fact - I really thought for the longest time that I would never marry. I would have kids but if I stayed single - I would never have to go through a divorce.

Obviously the idea of staying single changed. I wouldn't trade my husband for anything in the world and I treasure my marriage very much. It has taken years for me to be comfortable being a stay-at-home mom. I always wanted to stay home with them and avoid daycare. I have a husband that supported that desire but it's been so difficult to accept it in my brain because I felt like I should be bringing in income. I have always worried my crappy housekeeping skills are aggravating to him after long days at work.

I have also come to realize that I keep doing things for people that I would appreciate and not necessarily what they appreciate. I love little fun texts, posts of Facebook, a random caring email. When I do that for someone and don't get a response, then I get my feelings hurt. Finally it slapped me in the face that just because I liked those - it doesn't mean the person I am sending them to like them. I guess figuring out what makes others feel loved and appreciated is one of the best things you can do for any relationship!

So I have my boxing gloves on, my hands are up and I am ready for whatever is thrown at me!

TWO

I have been reflecting a lot lately on what I have done (and mostly on what I haven't done) in my life thus far. I have noticed that the number 2 is a prominent thing in my life. I have always had a thing for even numbers although I have a fondness for the number 7 (but only in the past 10 years) and I have always had really good luck on Friday the 13th. It would bother me if I had the rare incidence of not sneezing twice and little things like that.
-From Kindergarten to high school graduation I attended two schools
-I went to two colleges
-My dorm room the first two years of college was on the second floor
-My last two years of college, I lived in 2 apartments
-I served in Americorps NCCC for 2 years and my team was Blue 2
-I worked for the Corporation for National Service for 2 years
-I worked for Ipas for 2 years
-I wanted and had 2 girls

Lately something feels off. Is it because I have actually lived somewhere longer than 2 years? In between some of the 2 year stints, I stayed places for less than two years but until we bought our house - I hadn't lived in a place longer than 2 years since I left my childhood home! I have lived in the same place for 6 years this time!

Did I mess up my even number mojo with the third child? Should I have only had 2 or was I supposed to have 4 and there really should have been 2 girls and 2 boys?

Every job I have had since college has been for 2 years or less - some of these I had no control over so it isn't me being bored and needing to switch after two years. Technically I have worked as a massage therapist for 9 years but it has been so part time that the total amount of work probably doesn't measure up to 2 years.

My oldest was 2 when I got pregnant with my middle child who was 2 when I got pregnant with my third (who is now two). I seem to feel restless when they turn two. The age of two drives me batty - you can't reason with them but they are fiercely independent. I am not having the feelings of loss with my boy being two the way I did with the girls - mourning their passing babyhood. I am sad to see him growing so fast but there isn't any baby lust this time.
At the same time something still feels off!

Very rarely does an even number - especially a 2- not feel right to me. It has happened though. We used to have one sofa in our living room. It was a large L-shaped and we didn't have room for any other chairs. Now we have a regular couch and a recliner. While I love the new furniture - having 2 separate pieces instead of one has left me feeling very lonely and disconnected. Now my husband is all the way across the room instead of right near me. Ignoring each other and staring at our computers is easier and now it feels like we are in our own little worlds that are quite far apart from each other. 

Maybe I a reading too much into the number 2 or maybe I am just looking for answers to my restless, uneasy feeling.
Not sure but hopefully this 2 will pass...

After a fire comes a rebirth - I'm just waiting for the smoke to clear.

Once again I want to blog and realize it's been over a year since I last did so. I am not going to promise myself that will change. I am not going to promise to faithfully write every day, week or month. Hell I may have even said this before. All I know is that I love to write, I like the idea that other people might read/follow/enjoy/get pissed off/cry at something I have written, and I NEED this outlet.

I had a big "Holy Shit - that totally describes it" moment today. I am in mourning. I have been in mourning for a while and seem to find new things to add to the list. In November my Mother in Law passed away.  I avoided mourning my MIL by focusing on how my husband was feeling (not that he would share with me but I watched him closely) and helping my kids deal with it.

I realized today that there were many things I was mourning that ranged from major to rather silly. Obviously my MIL is on top of the list. It was very difficult because I loved my MIL, I didn't feel like I had enough time with her and her death made it real to me that my parents won't always be here. Mostly though it broke my heart that my husband, at only 48, has already lost both of his parents.

I am in mourning for people I love. There have been many friends dealing with extreme illness - their own, their parents, their kids.  Friends who have endured grief that I can not fathom. Some live so far away from me which makes it so hard when I have days where I feel like I would sell a body part just to be able to give them a hug.

I am mourning the passing of time involving my kids :
My youngest stopped breastfeeding on his own a few months ago. My last nursling will occasionally grab my chest and say "awww boobies". I thought I would be glad when my body was just mine again - in the past 8 years I have had a child attached to that part of my body for over 5 years of that time! I feel a little lost...

I am mourning that my 5 year old who will start Kindergarten soon. I mourn that the carefree part of childhood is ending. She is having a rough time lately - a big case of middle child. She is constantly yelling "Mommy look at me, LOOK at me!" I do need to look at her more - the problem is if I take my eyes off the 2 yr who knows what could happen. My 8 year old  teeters between acting like a little teenager and a 5 year old. Some days I can handle it all with a smile and other days I lose my shit.

There are little things I am mourning. The small gas station in my town owned by a sweet Indian family closed last month and I felt so sad. It was type of place that would let you get gas on Wednesday and pay for it on Thursday if they knew you. At least once a week the owner would slip me lollipops or gum for the kids - sometimes even popsicles.

I am in mourning for the woman I used to be. The one that had interests and hobbies that didn't involve kids. I don't remember how I spent my time before children but I know I enjoyed parts of it! I just want to be able to find that woman every once in a while and see life through my own eyes instead of my "mother" eyes. Let's get it straight - I treasure being a mom. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. It's ok to want to not be with them sometimes.

I am in mourning for my marriage - for what it used to be. When we had time to really focus on each other. When we used to talk and listen to each other. For the time when if I was in tears - I would be asked what was wrong or at the very least given a hug instead of having my tears greeted with exasperation. I don't want presents or flowers brought home. I just want to be asked how my day was or how I'm doing and know that my answer will not only be heard but ingested.

I think I am mostly mourning all the changes. I like change - it's refreshing, it wakes you up. I just wasn't prepared for so many things to change all at once. Once I learn the best way to adapt to all these changes, I know the uphill climb will level off for a bit. The day to day will coast along rather than feel like a struggle - at least until the next round of changes come.

It get's old...

Most of the time I don't really care what other people think. Most of the time. Then every once in a while a week happens where I am sensitive to everything that I pick up from other people. This is one of those weeks. If one more person makes me feel like I can't do anything right, I am going to lose.my.shit... I know that some of it comes from dealing with sick kidlets for 3 weeks, being tired, other life stresses but I am going to blow soon.
Crappy looks :
because I came into a room and talked when someone was watching t.v.,
because I tried to start conversations when I guess the other person doesn't want to converse (I spend a great deal of time during the day only talking to people under 5 feet tall, I need other conversation!)
Comments like:
Why are you going this way (because I am the one who is driving damn it - you want to go that way, you drive)

You spoil your baby, he wants to be held all the time (guess what? MY baby, I don't think you CAN spoil a baby, none of YOUR fucking business)

I have heard others tell me how I Need to do this, Need not to do that, Should do it this way, Why do you do it that way, You need to get some time to yourself (then watch my kids and I will), etc, etc.

No my house is not as clean as I want it, no I don't cook the way I want to sometimes, no I am not doing it the way you think is best!

I do talk to much, I am opinionated, I have a bad habit of reading news online and wanting to share it with people just to have a conversation.

I feel things very deeply and people who are cold and seemingly uncaring to the world piss me off sometimes. I feel it is either an act so people won't realize just how insecure you are or you really are that dead inside and need to wake the hell up
I am a Libra - I crave balance and try to keep things even/happy/calm. But some people have tipped my scales! Those of you who criticize are not perfect but I don't usually point out your flaws. I may prepare an awesome speech in my head about such flaws (usually when you are pointing out mine) but I don't share them.

I cannot promise that this will be the case from now on - I think I need to give advice/constructive criticism/crappy comments back to those who are a little too happy to talk down but be warned, when i give it back - it's coming back twice as hard. Very few have seen how truly bitchy I can be - the bitch in my brain has been working out and may be ready for her close up!

Being scared sucks!!

I am scared. Every day I have a period of time where I am just so scared. It's like living in a horror movie. It is not a panic attack - there are no real physical symptoms. I am not depressed or unhappy - I feel pretty content with life in general. Yet I am still scared. I don't allow myself to be scared for a long period of time - I talk it out of my head until it returns the next day

I learned to stop worrying - I used to worry about things at night preventing myself from having a good nights sleep. Once I had kids - I didn't want them to seem me worrying so I have tried to step back when something troubles me and decide if worrying will help or benefit me in any way. The answer is usually NO. I have discovered though that by not worrying, I almost live in a state of denial. My style of "thinking about it tomorrow" works but puts some things so far out of my mind that I don't effectively deal with them.

I am scared that our finances will never improve. My husband has a good job and he works so very hard to take care of us. The rising costs of everything and the addition of a 3rd child have made things so tight that it seems like every other week I am trying to book massages or sell something - anything to make sure we are ok. I will skip lunch during the week with the irrationally assumption that I am making the food last longer even though I always make sure we have food.
Part of me wants to find a job to take pressure off my husband and improve things while the other part knows that just about any job I could find around here would barely pay for daycare for a toddler and an infant. The last thing I want to is to ever make my husband feel like he isn't an awesome provider. This leads me to a irrational fear that one day he will wake up and realize that if he wasn't taking care of a wife and 3 kids - he would be doing pretty good. he would be able to buy things that he wants. I know this is irrational because he loves us all so much but it is still a fear in the back of my head.

It seems to happen a lot in the middle of the day - when I have no adult around to talk to and I am playing with the two little kids. A thought will go through my mind and I get scared. I will usually chase it away by having a mommy time out on the front porch. I know that I need to quit smoking, I want to quit smoking. It's not a good example for my kids, it's a waste of money, it's unhealthy but it's also the one thing that helps during the scary time. A smoke break and then a cuddle with my 3 year old (she is so sparkly that she is good at chasing any bad mood away).

I am scared for my 6 year old daughter. I am scared that I have messed her up and I don't know how. She used to be very carefree. She would talk to anyone and was so outgoing. Over the last two years she has become very anxious, scared to try things, and very prone to crying at the drop of the hat. Today we took her to try a martial arts class - you could tell she wanted to do it so so bad. For the most part she hid behind me, cried, got angry, talked non-stop, didn't like that she didn't know how to do it, was worried it would be hard and was just too nervous to try. She did do a little stretching and then came right back to us. We did not now what to do. It made me want to cry. After this - we ran an errand and she was fine, then came a meltdown about dinner, then fine again, then a meltdown about her loose tooth. It needs to come out NOW but she is too scared it will hurt. She also wants it out because she is afraid she will swallow it. How do you solve a problem where both solutions cause worry??? Pulling - worry, leave it alone - worry.

I can tell some times this is done for attention ( the tooth incident just happened to occur right at bedtime) and I am trying not to buy in to the times where it is not "real" fear but a desire for attention. It is so hard sometimes to differentiate between attention-wanting and severe fear. I cannot allow her to control everything and act however she wants because I am scared it will produce more anxiety but I swear I don't know how to handle it! She has many of the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder except the main one - she is great in school. Now she will not speak up in class much but she enjoys school and does well in it. She has friends, all the staff think she is so well-spoken and sweet. They don't see the anxious child that talks obsessively about tornadoes and house fires; wanting to make sure I have a plan if either happen. She wants to know everything - we have to hid to discuss things because she will lurk just around the corner to find out what my husband and I are talking about.

I just want her to enjoy being a kid again instead of always worrying.

People tell me that I am so laid back, that I am good at handling things, that I give good advice. In most areas of my life - I would agree. When it comes to money and my daughter's issues - I am none of that. I am just scared.... and I am tired of being scared.

Married.....With Children???? How did that happen?

Some days I wake up and wonder how I got here. I always knew I would have kids. I told people when I was 6 that I was going to be a mom when I grew up. When adults would ask me about getting married - I would say "why?"

I really never thought I would be married. My parents divorced when I was 9 and while I was sad, I was also old enough to recognize that it was probably the best decision. Granted it wasn't fun. I was one of the only kids in my class with divorced parents at the time. After the initial shock wore off - both parents were happier in the long run but one probably wouldn't admit it. I saw my mother doing everything and figured why should I bother ever getting married - I can do it all by myself.

I realized as I got older that it is nicer to have a partner to share the happy times and the bad but I still didn't think I would end up married. Now here I am - almost 7 years of marriage and 3 kids later. I love my husband dearly - I wouldn't trade him for the world. At the same time, I suck at marriage. The political, feminist part of my brain cannot believe sometimes that not only am I married but I am a housewife! I am not good at communicating when I want to do or plan things. I either don't do them or schedule them and then pass on the information when I should have an open discussion on plans. I think subconsciously I feel like I am asking permission.

I suck at asking for help. I try to do it all even to the point of interrupting my husband when he is doing something by trying to do it for him. My brain must be thoroughly confused because when I don't ask for help or have run him off from completing whatever task he was trying to do - I find later that I am ill that I have no help! I have always had a bad habit of trying to do it myself. When I was in AmeriCorps and was a team leader in charge of 14 others - instead of dictating various tasks that needed to be done, I would try to do it all. I think it came from a combination of:
1. If I do it then I know it will be done.
2. If I do it then I won't inconvenience anyone.
3. If I do it things will be more peaceful, everyone will love me and we will all be happy.
I knew as soon as that year ended that I should have done things differently and I would love to redo that year in a completely different way. While I recognize this for that period in my life, I find myself doing the exact same thing in my marriage. "He works hard all day, I shouldn't ask for any help." "The kids picked up a few toys so I will just do the rest so it is done faster."

I lack skills in getting things off my chest. I used to like to do it by writing letters. You can say a lot more in a letter - without worry of being interrupted/chastised/seeing eyes roll. When I found out that my husband hated when I wrote the soul bearing letters - I didn't stop but I cut back tremendously. Now I just don't get it off my chest. If it builds up too much, I find that I take it out on my kids. Talk about feeling like a tool! When I snap at my kids because I am mad at myself - I want to cry. I am capable enough to be alone with my children all day and make decisions for them. When the evening comes though and I am no longer a solo parent - I lose all my abilities. When my husband and I disagree on something to do with the kids, I do not try to make my point, or explain my rationale. I pout. Like a 9 year old kid. I.Must.Learn.Communication!

I have come a long way in some regards. I can't even describe how weird/scary/uncomfortable it was to be a stay at home mom at first. I totally felt that he had an income and I was completely broke. I got over that and worked through it - it took a couple of years and a couple of kids to realize that I was working too, I just didn't contribute a paycheck! I have not gotten better at keeping the house but I am trying. I want to learn to cook more because I enjoy it a lot of times. I want to learn communication skills and stress relieving techniques to calm my inner voices on the days where I feel like I am tending to 4 people and not tending to myself.

I see that my 9 year old brain that watched my parents divorce was affected more than I realized. The pouty, stubborn, easily hurt, emotional 9 year old part of my brain needs to be suppressed a bit so the 36 year old adult part of my brain can thrive in marriage and with kids!

A whole year? Really?

I was thinking today how I don't write anymore. I used to write all the time - stories, poems, scenes from plays. It's been a year since I even wrote something on here. I can't believe it. Granted this year has been super hectic but I owe it to myself to find that creative outlet at least occasionally! My goal is to do this at least once a week whether anyone actually reads it or not!

A summary of the past year:
My anxious 5 year old (Schmoo) is now an anxious 6 year old. Still obsessed with tornados but improving in other areas. She had a good kindergarten year and will be starting first grade day after tomorrow. In some ways she is better mostly because I have learned how to handle her worries. In some ways we have regressed but I guess each day is a step. She is so smart, so empathetic, so caring - I just want her to be a kid and leave the worry to me! When we find things that "make" her a 6 year old - we try to do them over and over. This past weekend the whole family went camping. At the park was a carousel. When G. rode it - her face was relaxed yet excited. My husband was so touched by how happy it made her that we all had to ride it the second time!

My 2 year old is now a very spirited 3 year old. She used to be the baby - now she has been given the title of The Middle Child. When she was an infant, her older sister showed her jealousy in ways we expected. Whenever anyone would play with Sugarbug - Schmoo would start saying "look at me" and find something to get the attention on her. Sugarbug has a different approach to this. When her baby brother is getting any attention, she doesn't try to get our attention - she tries to get his! She is literally and figuratively trying to smother him with love. She is always on him, touching him, singing (screaming) in his face, kissing and sometimes even hiding him under pillows! She has lost her fearlessness that she had last year. Now dogs and large boys scare her (the boy part from an evil neighbor who scared her). I hope this passes and some of her fearlessness returns - it was such an awesome light shining from her!

We have now added BooBoo bear to our family - an adorable, happy 7 month old boy who fills me up and drains me at the same time! We all love him so and I can't imagine life without him. He will be so protected by his big sisters that I feel sorry for future friends who are ever mean to him! He definitely has daddy's heart and my late night breastfeeding/covering his head with kisses sessions are something I look forward to no matter how sleepy I am.

This year has been tough learning to juggle a school aged child, a preschooler and a newborn but we have done it! We are thoroughly exhausted, surrounded by a house full of clutter (no time to fix any of that right now) and poorer than I have ever been in my life. At the same time - my heart is full. I am almost 37 years old but to me August/September is the start of the new year for me. I am eternally on a "school" schedule. I know this year is going to be great. The energy will return, the clutter will either slowly trickle out or take over, the money will improve, I will find time to express myself in some way and our lives will continue of this crazy, hectic journey.

Times: they are a-changing...

I have an anxious 5 year old. She is super intelligent - understanding a little too much sometimes. It also makes it's too easy to treat her like she is older. Over the past two months she has become needy, weepy, worried about everything, suffering separation anxiety, - she is mix of a 2 year old and a grown up who is stressed out. First she was worried about twisters because she saw one on the news, then it was the dark, then it was me leaving her. The one thing she will not talk about is starting Kindergarten. She starts in 3 weeks and I really believe once it is no longer this big unknown scary thing - things will improve.
Because of all this - bedtime has become HELL on earth. We tried super nanny tricks, threats, punishments, cuddling, coddling, bribing, you name it. When I looked up anxiety and 5 year olds - it was stressful to me. They list the top stressors for this age group as:
Having a major illness (she had kidney surgery last summer)
Watching a sick parent (she saw way too much of mommy having a miscarriage due to being stuck together in a hotel room and then my issues continuing for another 2 months)
Starting School (3 weeks)
New baby in the family (due in December)
Separation from parents (i did go back to work 2-3 days a week and while she likes where she goes - she does ask me to not go somedays)

This was sad for me because all I could think was "what else can I do to stress out my child???"
She has always been very intuitive about others' emotional status. Very in tune with others and very sensitive. One cross word tends to shatter her while one big compliment brings smiles galore. I have realized that as frustrating as it is to me when she doesn't go to bed - whatever is going on in her head is major for her. While I am not going to let her rule this house and stay up all night - I am trying to be more loving and supportive - knowing that it will pass. I will try not to get cranky when she follows me around the house all day and I can't go into another room by myself at all. Right now she needs me and for now i have to put her needs before mine - there will be alone time for me in the future. My goal now is to let her know that she is loved, supported and I am her safe place to fall if she needs it!

So Happy I am not an "A"

I have been talking to a lot of people this week and have been very surprised with the number of type A personalities I have run into. I am a mixture - I can be anal and stress with the best of them but I also am a great procrastinator and prone to putting off tasks in order to enjoy life instead of enjoying life only when I have completely my tasks!

There was a house I used to go to that always made me feel quite sad. There was a child there but the house was so spotless that you never would have know that a child lived here except that there was a sippy cup in the dish drain. I asked how she did it and was told that she got up every day around 5 to clean, only kept his stuff upstairs and wouldn't go to bed at night until everything was in place and clean. I was in shock. I would love for my house to be as clean as hers but I am not willing to dedicate my life to it.

It made be start wondering - I know some people truly are happier when everything is in it's place but do they ever have a tinge of regret for spending time cleaning rather than doing something else? When G. was born - I simply couldn't clean for the first 2 months unless hubby was home. I couldn't stop holding her and wanted to love her every second. When S was born, I had to do a little more laundry, stay on top of dishes but when I wasn't spending time G, I was holding S rather than cleaning.

I know people with this type of personality would look down on me. My house is tiny and cluttered. The carpets are stained - i used to keep up with them until it became a lost cause. My dining room table is a catch all and boy has it caught a lot! I did clean it off about 4 weeks ago = that lasted for 2 weeks tops. Today I only had one child. I had a list of things I wanted to do - clean up the office, straighten the pantry and the linen closet, do some good cleaning. Little S was quite bored without her big sister to play with so instead I threw the laundry in the dryer, unloaded the dishwasher and went to the pool. Then I came home and took a nap.

Is anything on my list accomplished? No
Do I feel bad about this? Not at all, I can do some tomorrow but today I spent quality one on one time with my baby who come December will be a middle child and will really need personal mommy time and I got to rest my fatigued body. I think I accomplished exactly what was needed! I will one day pass on probably in a cluttered house with stained carpets and some friends will pass on with perfect house and perfectly organized lives. May we both leave a legacy of love....

Welcome to the Jungle!

After a long day with my girls - full of fighting, yelling, crying, whining, and other patience destroying mayhem - it all dawned on me.

Earlier in the evening, after my 5 year old yelled at my mother and I and then cried about everything - I told her I was mad. This threw her into a frenzy of anxious faces, sobbing, and full body worry. She did not want me to be mad. At only 5 - her need to please me was so strong that it engulfed her. I explained that I was mad at her behavior, not her as a person. The joy this elicited from her was like Christmas morning. I struggled to get her to sleep - she wanted to talk and be WITH me, not just near me. My mother (whose house we were staying at for a night) finally cuddled her while I took a break to find my sanity. Once I finally went to bed, in a double bed shared by myself and my 5 year old, I spooned her. Her legs draped over mine, my arm over her - you couldn't separate who what who. I whispered "I love you" and was rewarded with a sleep giggle - one of my favorite sounds.

I realized at that moment that the behavior could be fixed but I was going about it the wrong way. This bright, observant little girl was completely dependent on me for her stability, confidence and happiness. In order to change her behavior - I needed to first change mine.
I snuck out of the room to put this on paper while it was fresh on my mind. I wasn't gone 5 minutes before she came sleepily swaggering to find me. I sent her back to bed with a promise that I would join her in just a minute and she left me with a hug and a smile. Her exchange was wordless but poignant. She knew where I needed to be and she showed the answer to me. Off to cuddle I go...