Once again I want to blog and realize it's been over a year since I last did so. I am not going to promise myself that will change. I am not going to promise to faithfully write every day, week or month. Hell I may have even said this before. All I know is that I love to write, I like the idea that other people might read/follow/enjoy/get pissed off/cry at something I have written, and I NEED this outlet.
I had a big "Holy Shit - that totally describes it" moment today. I am in mourning. I have been in mourning for a while and seem to find new things to add to the list. In November my Mother in Law passed away. I avoided mourning my MIL by focusing on how my husband was feeling (not that he would share with me but I watched him closely) and helping my kids deal with it.
I realized today that there were many things I was mourning that ranged from major to rather silly. Obviously my MIL is on top of the list. It was very difficult because I loved my MIL, I didn't feel like I had enough time with her and her death made it real to me that my parents won't always be here. Mostly though it broke my heart that my husband, at only 48, has already lost both of his parents.
I am in mourning for people I love. There have been many friends dealing with extreme illness - their own, their parents, their kids. Friends who have endured grief that I can not fathom. Some live so far away from me which makes it so hard when I have days where I feel like I would sell a body part just to be able to give them a hug.
I am mourning the passing of time involving my kids :
My youngest stopped breastfeeding on his own a few months ago. My last nursling will occasionally grab my chest and say "awww boobies". I thought I would be glad when my body was just mine again - in the past 8 years I have had a child attached to that part of my body for over 5 years of that time! I feel a little lost...
I am mourning that my 5 year old who will start Kindergarten soon. I mourn that the carefree part of childhood is ending. She is having a rough time lately - a big case of middle child. She is constantly yelling "Mommy look at me, LOOK at me!" I do need to look at her more - the problem is if I take my eyes off the 2 yr who knows what could happen. My 8 year old teeters between acting like a little teenager and a 5 year old. Some days I can handle it all with a smile and other days I lose my shit.
There are little things I am mourning. The small gas station in my town owned by a sweet Indian family closed last month and I felt so sad. It was type of place that would let you get gas on Wednesday and pay for it on Thursday if they knew you. At least once a week the owner would slip me lollipops or gum for the kids - sometimes even popsicles.
I am in mourning for the woman I used to be. The one that had interests and hobbies that didn't involve kids. I don't remember how I spent my time before children but I know I enjoyed parts of it! I just want to be able to find that woman every once in a while and see life through my own eyes instead of my "mother" eyes. Let's get it straight - I treasure being a mom. I wouldn't trade my kids for anything in the world. It's ok to want to not be with them sometimes.
I am in mourning for my marriage - for what it used to be. When we had time to really focus on each other. When we used to talk and listen to each other. For the time when if I was in tears - I would be asked what was wrong or at the very least given a hug instead of having my tears greeted with exasperation. I don't want presents or flowers brought home. I just want to be asked how my day was or how I'm doing and know that my answer will not only be heard but ingested.
I think I am mostly mourning all the changes. I like change - it's refreshing, it wakes you up. I just wasn't prepared for so many things to change all at once. Once I learn the best way to adapt to all these changes, I know the uphill climb will level off for a bit. The day to day will coast along rather than feel like a struggle - at least until the next round of changes come.
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