"You got to hold on, Hey you got to hold on...." - Alabama Shakes

When my husband and I were first together we were very cuddly. Every night in bed he would spoon me then after a bit we would both roll over and I would spoon him. Then when we were ready to sleep, we would separate. I remember wanting to be able to snuggle him all night but I just couldn't. I was so used to sleeping alone that it was hard for me to fall asleep unless I had rolled away.

Then we started having kids. The first did start out in a bassinet next to our bed but my eyesight is so awful with my contacts out that I would panic every night because I couldn't SEE her and see if she was breathing, in a good position, etc. That's how she ended up in the bed (and as a dedicated but lazy breastfeeding mama - i could doze while nursing her).

My husband and I still slept next to each other because he was afraid he would roll on her. Once she got older, she ended up in middle. Then came child #2. She never slept anywhere else but our bed. She would be on one side of me and #1 would be on the other. Hubby didn't mind them in the middle at this point because we discovered we slept better with them and didn't roll on them. Slept better when they were babies that is.

Child #3 also was/is a bed partner. For the longest time, he was the middle person in the bed. Some nights #1 would join up, the next night #2 or sometimes both. Even a king size bed does not seem very big with 5 people in it. Hubby and I have talked about it a lot and we don't plan on kicking them out of bed - it's a safe, warm place for them. Plus I have always thought it was weird that Mommy and Daddy can go to bed together and have someone to snuggle, curl up next to after a bad dream, and just feel comfort that someone is near  - yet we send small children (with vivid imaginations) to bed alone.

There are nights where we don't enjoy it, especially with legs getting longer each day but as long as they do not come in too early - we are still fine with it. We have changed things though.

My husband and I had a few months that were a little rough. It was just easier to distance ourselves rather than paying attention to what each other needed. The funny thing is the more you focus on your own needs and not on your partners - the less support and affection you both get. You are too busy feeling ignored to actually pay attention to the other person! We decided to change that and it has been wonderful. A big change has been nighttime cuddles.

We have been going to bed at the same time more often and when we do, #3 is moved over to the side of the bed. If the other two wander in at some point, we tell them "climb on in! - beside your brother." Sometimes there are complaints about wanting to be next me but I am telling them "You get a lot of my time and attention during the day, it's daddy's turn now."

Now my husband and I are next to each other. We are making our relationship a priority and paying attention to the fact that we need each others attention. We don't want to get to that place again.

Every night in bed he spoons me then after a bit we both roll over and I spoon him. The difference now is we don't roll apart. Whether it's because we don't get to give each other a lot of attention during the day, subconscious worries that if we let go, we might drift apart again, or because we have found our safe, warm place - the reason doesn't matter.

What is important is now we hold on to each other until morning and even then it's hard to let go....

"Listen To Your Mother" is not just a show, it is an Experience.

I am such a bundle of emotions right now (which makes me prone to overusing adjectives and even wordier than usual). Tonight was the "Listen To Your Mother" show. It was so magical, powerful, validating, wonderful, emotional, raw, truthful and real.

It's been a long time since I felt a part of something that meant so much to me. I have been looking forward to this for a while and now that it's done - I feel completely overwhelmed with feelings:

I am so proud to have been a part of the inaugural show in the Raleigh-Durham area.

I am so honored to have been a part of something that had so many remarkable people in it.

I am so elated with how well my piece went over with the audience.

I am so humbled by the comments from family, friends and complete strangers.

I am so very sad that it is over.

I feel like I am in mourning yet I am high on a cloud at the same time. I want to laugh at how remarkable this all was. I want to dance from the thrill of being on stage again (a stage that I performed on many times in college and haven't stood on in almost 20 years). I want to sing from the joy it gave me to hear that I struck a chord with people I have never met that came up to me after the show to comment on my piece. I want to cry because I don't want any of these feelings to end.

I am writing this down to hold myself accountable. This has inspired me to find my writing voice again, to find ways to perform again, to find me. Even though my time with "Listen To Your Mother" is over - I will find ways to create these feelings in my life.

Plus I am not sure of the rules regarding submitting a written piece to LTYM next year - but I will keep trying every year in the hopes of doing it again one day - but next time I will stay longer at the after party!!

The saying "Things are better left unsaid" is bull shit - now my unsaid things are leaking out!

To whom it may concern: (i.e. family, friends, acquaintances)
Yes I do realize that I am 38 - is there a rule that I can't have pink streaks in my hair past a certain age? I certainly thought that by this age, I wouldn't have to worry as much about parental approval for whatever I was doing. I thought I would just be accepted for who I was.

Please don't pat my stomach pooch and say "Someone has a little tummy" when
a) you weigh more than me
b) I have lost quite a bit and don't want or plan on losing another pound
c) I have 3 freaking kids! I am supposed to have a little pooch. I look at it as my little kangaroo pouch - it will never be flat but it will never be unloved. Two of my kids rub and jiggle and nuzzle my poochy belly whenever they feel bad, are sleepy or just want comfort in general.

I know you do not like seams, I understand that you have sensitivities to certain things in clothes. This is NOT an excuse to take 20 minutes to put on socks - i already buy you the most seamless ones I can find.

I love you more than words can say but if I hear "Watch me, Mommy" one more time today - my brain will explode. One can only watch someone try to stand on their head so many times in one day!

You are adorable. You are sweet and loving. I adore you. Please stop kicking me when changing your clothes, pinching when you don't get your way, and wrapping gum around your head. I really want you to make it to three!

Hiding things from me is the worst thing you can do. It causes me to doubt you, to doubt everything, to be suspicious. I deserve a little more credit for my reactions to things. My reaction to whatever will be way better that my reaction to you hiding something. 

If I have pissed you off - tell me. If I am frustrating the hell out of you - tell me.  Pissy looks, not speaking, etc. doesn't do either of us any good. You don't feel any better, I don't understand what is bothering you so much. If it has nothing to do with me - great - TELL ME (see the common theme here?)

I value our friendship. Please understand that your kids are older - they don't mind you not being around. Mine are young - they like for me to be home for bedtime and quite frankly I like being there for bedtime. If I seem hesitant to do stuff in the evenings it's not that I don't want to go out and do stuff. It's that I am torn between the two. Don't make it worse.

If you ask me for advice, I will gladly do what I can. If you don't want advice, I will do what I can. If you want advice about the same thing over&over&over&over&over again - I give up because it's obvious you didn't really want or use the advice the first 12 times so I know you aren't going to this time either.

I am finally reaching the point in my life where I am busy enough to want to let go of things that hold me down. I tend to be loyal to a fault. Even when I have been wronged, walked on, ignored - I have remained loyal. I don't have time for that anymore. If I have supported you and cared about you through whatever and do not feel like I am receiving that support and care from you then you need to think of me as an underwire bra. One second it's supportive and holding you up but if it's not taken care of - SNAP - you will be left hanging.

On a lighter note - some of these may not be recent thoughts but I am in the mood to do some spring cleaning and it is easier to clean out my brain than to clean out my house!!