Today I woke up poor....and grateful.

Today I woke up poor.
Now I didn't wake up with any less money than I had yesterday, but I woke up to the reality of the situation. After finally turning off my brain and falling asleep around 3 am - I woke up at 4 am to realize that I was poor. I realized that we needed toilet paper, paper towels, and tampons. I realized that after putting gas in my husband's car so he could get to work this week - we would only be able to afford one of those items. I told my brain to shut up, that I would figure it out in the morning and to let me go back to sleep.

Today I woke up to reality.
Your reality is what you make of it. A year or two ago - I thought we were poor. We lived paycheck to paycheck. This wasn't anything new. I grew up that way. I knew we weren't rich but I never felt anything other than "regular". I remember thinking a year ago that things could get worse but at the time it seemed unreal. Until it happened. Now I am having to reinvent our reality and persuade my children to accept a new reality but that it doesn't have to be all negative. No we can't go to the roller skating event for your school because it costs too much but we can go to the botanical gardens and take a great walk all together. You can help think of creative dinners based on what is in the pantry. No I don't mind if you just want cereal for dinner.

Today I woke up a bad mom.
 I have learned that there is a direct correlation between the amount of money in the bank and the level at which my voice rises through the day. It is not constant bad mom-ness but I find that when I am trying to sort my thoughts and figure things out, it doesn't take very much to see the bad side.

Today I woke up aware.
 I am completely aware that there are so many people who are in a much worse position than I. A friend mentioned that I should put our name on the angel tree at school so the kids would get stuff for Christmas. I can't do it. My kids will have Christmas presents from relatives - whether they get anything from us. They will be ok. They have clothes to wear that fit and toys to play with. I have seen the kids at their school that have neither. They deserve to have their names on the angel tree - we don't. I am aware that yes - things could indeed get even worse but I have such hope that they will get better.

Today I woke up grateful.
I am grateful that we have a house and the lights are still on. I am grateful I have been able to pay enough of the cable bill to keep them happy. I am grateful that I was able to fill up my husband's car. I am grateful that my children can forgive and sometimes forget my bad mom-ness. I am grateful that pancake mix is very cheap and my kids love pancakes.....at least for now!  I am grateful that my mother was told to take the paper products from a job that was ending and she was able to give me two rolls of paper towels and three rolls of toilet paper. I am grateful that I still went to the dollar store instead of the grocery store because that way I still had a few dollars left enabling the toothfairy to visit tonight. I am grateful our toothfairy has always given just a dollar (well two for the first tooth but only a dollar after that) and that she never got sucked in to all the hoopla I see online about kids receiving toys, extravagant presents and five or ten dollars per tooth. If that had happened, we would have been screwed right now. I am grateful I am able to turn off the part of my brain that prefers certain brands of toilet paper and tampons. I am grateful that this morning I needed both and tonight I have both.

I am grateful for my husband.
I am grateful for my kids.
I am grateful that I am upright and breathing.

Tomorrow I will be grateful that there doesn't appear to be anything toxic in dollar store tampons and I survived the night. (Ok so I can't completely turn off the brand preference....)!