In case you noticed (or not) my blog used to be called "Musings of an (In)Sane Life". This past spring insane hit a little too close to home and I couldn't stomach the title any longer. I haven't posted since May because this past spring I lost my mind. In March I started taking Welbutrin to quit smoking. My husband quit 5 years ago and I wanted to be good to me. I say Welbutrin but it was the generic form (which after doing some research means it is really "close" but not exactly the same). I was told to take it for 2-3 months before quitting and then to take it for a few months after. Within the first week positive things were happening. I really didn't want to smoke as often. I didn't feel the need. Another positive was it increased my libido - WHOA, wasnt' expecting that one! It was an unexpected side effect. I felt like a 15 year old boy and lucky for me my husband was a good sport ;). The increase in physical contact came at a needed time in our relationship where I was trying to increase intimacy anyway. After a few weeks though, the negative effects started showing although I didn't connect them to the medicine until the end of June.
When I first started taking it, I was not depressed. Tired? sure. But not depressed. I have always been an emotional person but a lot of people didn't see it. I was never one to cry in front of people when I was sad - at least not often. When bad things happened, I could hold it together pretty well until I was in a comfortable place. People would see me cry at happy occasions because I was overwhelmed with emotion. Family events, my wedding (started crying the minute I started down the aisle), reading an essay on motherhood in front of an audience and the birth of my kids. I would cry at sappy songs that reminded me of things. After about a month on the medication, I started to cry. I cried at anything and everything for about 5 weeks straight. Everything stressed me out, I became severely insecure about my looks, my mind, my marriage, my parenting skills - everything. I doubted everything about myself, about my life. I was anxious all day. I had many mornings while driving my daughter to school that my heart would start racing and I would think "What the hell? I am having a panic attack!" I had never had one of those before. Nothing about taking her to school stressed me out and there was never anything after dropoff that I was dreading. I could not figure it out.
I have always rolled with the punches pretty well when plans would change or stressful things came up during the day. Not that they wouldn't stress me but I could usually find the humor in them. Suddenly the smallest thing like a spilled drink or a leaky poopy diaper would sned me into the bathroom where I would sit on the floor and sob. I was so scared because I thought I was losing my mind and I didn't understand why. My family knew I was crying all the time - crying so much that it became an aggravation rather than a concern. None of them ever knew how petrified I really was about what was going on in my head. The final straw was on the first of July. I had felt stressed about various things all day and I ended up sitting outside in the pouring rain crying for over an hour and wanting to run away because I thought everyone who knew me would be better off if I did. That night in bed, I couldn't sleep. I ran through everything in my head trying to figure out where my mind had gone, why was it gone and where the hell did this depression come from. The next morning I started researching Welbutrin and the generic form. Guess what I found?
This drug, while used on many to treat depression, also had been documented as causing severe depression and anxiety in those using it for reasons other than depression. This was more common for the generic form and the depression ranged from pretty severe to debilitating to extreme suicidal thoughts. The more I read, the more convinced I was that this medicine was the problem. I called the pharmacist immediately and talked to her about how to go off safely and how long it would take to get out of my system. I felt a bit better within a few days and felt close to normal by the end of the month. I knew I was getting better because of my reactions to things that were happening (extreme house issues, flooding, new job for spouse, financial issues but all that is a future blog!) I really don't know if I could have made it through all that in the condition I had been in.
I no longer cry at everything. I don't feel like I am about to dehydrate from the outpouring of emotion. I am not hiding in the bathroom anymore (or hitting walls or having panic attacks or wanting to run away). I am glad my friends and family didn't turn their back on me during all that but I really wish I had communicated my fears a little better so they could have understood how bad off I really was.
No I have not quit smoking....yet. I have been focusing on getting my mind back. As soon as I finish my mental "spring cleaning" and have gotten the cobwebs out - I will get back on track (sans medicine)!
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