Married.....With Children???? How did that happen?

Some days I wake up and wonder how I got here. I always knew I would have kids. I told people when I was 6 that I was going to be a mom when I grew up. When adults would ask me about getting married - I would say "why?"

I really never thought I would be married. My parents divorced when I was 9 and while I was sad, I was also old enough to recognize that it was probably the best decision. Granted it wasn't fun. I was one of the only kids in my class with divorced parents at the time. After the initial shock wore off - both parents were happier in the long run but one probably wouldn't admit it. I saw my mother doing everything and figured why should I bother ever getting married - I can do it all by myself.

I realized as I got older that it is nicer to have a partner to share the happy times and the bad but I still didn't think I would end up married. Now here I am - almost 7 years of marriage and 3 kids later. I love my husband dearly - I wouldn't trade him for the world. At the same time, I suck at marriage. The political, feminist part of my brain cannot believe sometimes that not only am I married but I am a housewife! I am not good at communicating when I want to do or plan things. I either don't do them or schedule them and then pass on the information when I should have an open discussion on plans. I think subconsciously I feel like I am asking permission.

I suck at asking for help. I try to do it all even to the point of interrupting my husband when he is doing something by trying to do it for him. My brain must be thoroughly confused because when I don't ask for help or have run him off from completing whatever task he was trying to do - I find later that I am ill that I have no help! I have always had a bad habit of trying to do it myself. When I was in AmeriCorps and was a team leader in charge of 14 others - instead of dictating various tasks that needed to be done, I would try to do it all. I think it came from a combination of:
1. If I do it then I know it will be done.
2. If I do it then I won't inconvenience anyone.
3. If I do it things will be more peaceful, everyone will love me and we will all be happy.
I knew as soon as that year ended that I should have done things differently and I would love to redo that year in a completely different way. While I recognize this for that period in my life, I find myself doing the exact same thing in my marriage. "He works hard all day, I shouldn't ask for any help." "The kids picked up a few toys so I will just do the rest so it is done faster."

I lack skills in getting things off my chest. I used to like to do it by writing letters. You can say a lot more in a letter - without worry of being interrupted/chastised/seeing eyes roll. When I found out that my husband hated when I wrote the soul bearing letters - I didn't stop but I cut back tremendously. Now I just don't get it off my chest. If it builds up too much, I find that I take it out on my kids. Talk about feeling like a tool! When I snap at my kids because I am mad at myself - I want to cry. I am capable enough to be alone with my children all day and make decisions for them. When the evening comes though and I am no longer a solo parent - I lose all my abilities. When my husband and I disagree on something to do with the kids, I do not try to make my point, or explain my rationale. I pout. Like a 9 year old kid. I.Must.Learn.Communication!

I have come a long way in some regards. I can't even describe how weird/scary/uncomfortable it was to be a stay at home mom at first. I totally felt that he had an income and I was completely broke. I got over that and worked through it - it took a couple of years and a couple of kids to realize that I was working too, I just didn't contribute a paycheck! I have not gotten better at keeping the house but I am trying. I want to learn to cook more because I enjoy it a lot of times. I want to learn communication skills and stress relieving techniques to calm my inner voices on the days where I feel like I am tending to 4 people and not tending to myself.

I see that my 9 year old brain that watched my parents divorce was affected more than I realized. The pouty, stubborn, easily hurt, emotional 9 year old part of my brain needs to be suppressed a bit so the 36 year old adult part of my brain can thrive in marriage and with kids!