Being scared sucks!!

I am scared. Every day I have a period of time where I am just so scared. It's like living in a horror movie. It is not a panic attack - there are no real physical symptoms. I am not depressed or unhappy - I feel pretty content with life in general. Yet I am still scared. I don't allow myself to be scared for a long period of time - I talk it out of my head until it returns the next day

I learned to stop worrying - I used to worry about things at night preventing myself from having a good nights sleep. Once I had kids - I didn't want them to seem me worrying so I have tried to step back when something troubles me and decide if worrying will help or benefit me in any way. The answer is usually NO. I have discovered though that by not worrying, I almost live in a state of denial. My style of "thinking about it tomorrow" works but puts some things so far out of my mind that I don't effectively deal with them.

I am scared that our finances will never improve. My husband has a good job and he works so very hard to take care of us. The rising costs of everything and the addition of a 3rd child have made things so tight that it seems like every other week I am trying to book massages or sell something - anything to make sure we are ok. I will skip lunch during the week with the irrationally assumption that I am making the food last longer even though I always make sure we have food.
Part of me wants to find a job to take pressure off my husband and improve things while the other part knows that just about any job I could find around here would barely pay for daycare for a toddler and an infant. The last thing I want to is to ever make my husband feel like he isn't an awesome provider. This leads me to a irrational fear that one day he will wake up and realize that if he wasn't taking care of a wife and 3 kids - he would be doing pretty good. he would be able to buy things that he wants. I know this is irrational because he loves us all so much but it is still a fear in the back of my head.

It seems to happen a lot in the middle of the day - when I have no adult around to talk to and I am playing with the two little kids. A thought will go through my mind and I get scared. I will usually chase it away by having a mommy time out on the front porch. I know that I need to quit smoking, I want to quit smoking. It's not a good example for my kids, it's a waste of money, it's unhealthy but it's also the one thing that helps during the scary time. A smoke break and then a cuddle with my 3 year old (she is so sparkly that she is good at chasing any bad mood away).

I am scared for my 6 year old daughter. I am scared that I have messed her up and I don't know how. She used to be very carefree. She would talk to anyone and was so outgoing. Over the last two years she has become very anxious, scared to try things, and very prone to crying at the drop of the hat. Today we took her to try a martial arts class - you could tell she wanted to do it so so bad. For the most part she hid behind me, cried, got angry, talked non-stop, didn't like that she didn't know how to do it, was worried it would be hard and was just too nervous to try. She did do a little stretching and then came right back to us. We did not now what to do. It made me want to cry. After this - we ran an errand and she was fine, then came a meltdown about dinner, then fine again, then a meltdown about her loose tooth. It needs to come out NOW but she is too scared it will hurt. She also wants it out because she is afraid she will swallow it. How do you solve a problem where both solutions cause worry??? Pulling - worry, leave it alone - worry.

I can tell some times this is done for attention ( the tooth incident just happened to occur right at bedtime) and I am trying not to buy in to the times where it is not "real" fear but a desire for attention. It is so hard sometimes to differentiate between attention-wanting and severe fear. I cannot allow her to control everything and act however she wants because I am scared it will produce more anxiety but I swear I don't know how to handle it! She has many of the symptoms of Social Anxiety Disorder except the main one - she is great in school. Now she will not speak up in class much but she enjoys school and does well in it. She has friends, all the staff think she is so well-spoken and sweet. They don't see the anxious child that talks obsessively about tornadoes and house fires; wanting to make sure I have a plan if either happen. She wants to know everything - we have to hid to discuss things because she will lurk just around the corner to find out what my husband and I are talking about.

I just want her to enjoy being a kid again instead of always worrying.

People tell me that I am so laid back, that I am good at handling things, that I give good advice. In most areas of my life - I would agree. When it comes to money and my daughter's issues - I am none of that. I am just scared.... and I am tired of being scared.